Real People, Real Advice
Ask Deanna! Is an advice column known for its fearless approach to reality-based subjects!
Ask Deanna! is in Beverly Hills and can be heard every Sunday on KTYM AM 1460 at 3 p.m. in Los Angeles, Calif .
My mother stayed friends with my wife after our divorce. My ex-wife cheated on me, placed me in debt and wrecked another man’s family. My mother is still holding on to her because my wife was the daughter she never had. I have no use for this woman and wish my mother would do the same. We are arguing more and more and the family is starting to divide. How do I make my mother understand that she needs to let go and move on?
Stressed Out Pittsburgh, Pa.
Dear Stressed Out:
A divorce is like death and there must be a grieving period before moving on. Your mother had an emotional attachment and family bond with your wife. It’s true that spouses don’t marry the family but your case is an exception. Your mother has forgiven her for the pain and you should talk to your mother and seek healing. If your mother is happy and no harm or disrespect is coming your way, leave it alone and let things run its course.
I’m embarrassed because like other women in my church, I have a crush on our single pastor. They see that he’s saved and anointed and want him for their husband. He’s out of my league and I embarrassed myself trying to talk to him. I won’t sit in front of the church or go to the altar. This is wrong because of my desires. My faith is more important than a relationship but this is making me go off the deep end.
Confused Online Column Reader
If you’re in this turmoil, you shouldn’t want your preacher or any other man that makes you trip like this. Look close and you’ll realize that he hasn’t selected the other women for a reason. Make it easy on yourself by being a real woman and step to him with an open mind, honesty and good intentions. If he’s available and interested, he’ll let you know. If not, continue to keep your faith a priority and keep it moving.
I left a relationship twice and each time I went back. After each separation my boyfriend promised he would change by not drinking, not chasing women and would help around the house. It took a month or so before he went back to his old ways. I feel the third time would really be different because he’s crying, offering to get saved and begging really hard. What ground rules should I give him if I go down this road again?
Michelle Jackson, Miss.
Give him a map with directions to alcoholics anonymous, a Bible to show him the way of life and a phone number for a good counselor. If this relationship is going to be successful, he needs to work on his issues before trying to be with you or anyone else. After he makes the commitment to himself, you should support him and rebuild your friendship. Only time will tell if he’s sincere and if he sticks to the plan for a while; it’s worth a shot.