Things are slow in my life. Business is off; the TV is full of images of war and woe. The economy does not seem to want to get out of the blocks and my bills are piling up. However, I do not feel like giving up. No way. I am in this thing called life for the long haul. I figure I have between 20 and 30 more productive years on planet Earth and instead of helping to gather shopping carts at Wal-Mart or working at Wendy's, I have decided that the best way a guy of my age and stature can serve his fellow man is to become a Porno Star. This, as my therapist says it should be, is a goal; and like all goals, I can obtain it by taking the steps to become one. So here they are:
1. Size up the competition. No not that way, silly. I mean, I have seen porno in all its forms from DVD to Internet and it appears that while there are around 500 women giving it their all, there seems to be only around seven guys who are getting it all. So, there seems to be a gender gap here and a real need for some guys to step up to the plate. I have seen my potential peers: there is the guy with the tattoos all over his shoulder, Ron "The Weakest Link" Jeremy, someone named TT Boy and the rest are somewhat nondescript and their faces are all scrunched up so it is hard to tell just who is who. I have a distinctive look that is ideal for this business -- a large nose and well, I am a tad on the bald side. You could not miss me.
2. Move to the Valley. Chatsworth, CA I gather by the legal stuff I see in the credits. Everyone in 818 (Valley speak) is either in porno or getting into porno, so I had better get out there while the getting is good.
3. Lose a few I.Q points. Porno has sent its emissaries to the furthest reaches of my brain, where those last few cells of common sense reside and now I am ready to drop everything and well, drop everything.
4. See it as a means to an end. Enough said.
5. Speaking of ends, I have the rear for it. The rear is just about all you see of the guy for the most part, and that is the part of me that is the most from sitting on my duff and watching porno.
6. Channel David Hasselhoff along with a myriad of other neuroses that seem to permeate the need to express one's self with one's self in front of the camera. My inner narcissistic Statue of David-Elvis-Brad Pitt-Kid Rock that most American males see themselves as when they see themselves in the bedroom (no matter what their age or shape) needs to come out and validate himself for his fellows.
7. Recall Elaine Zelahouski. My high school crush. She thought I was too skinny, too nervous and too icky to be sexy. When I am a Porno star, she will see that I am putting all those attributes to good use.
8. Develop a three-mile stare. That is the look the guys have on their faces when they are looking at their partner in a scene or a layout, like God or someone is lurking in the hedges of the parking lot outside the studio about to punish them for caving into inertia, career impasses and well, the easy way out. Come to think of it, I have seen that stare far too often in my bathroom mirror.
9. Find an acting coach. I know it might not seem like a prerequisite but I will need one to act as if I am having a good time and not feeling lonely or foolish in the faux landscape of near glamour, absurd art, foolish fetish pandering that one gets used to living in, in the near parody of cultural fantasy that is pornography. Plus, I will have some pretty demanding roles: the NASCAR Driver and his all female pit crew, the post 9/11 fireman fueled image of power and bravery tamed by the Wall Street nymph who worships him, Fred and Ethel Mertz, get it? Whatever seems to drive the mainstream fuels the sub stream of our subconscious that pornography thrives on so I will have to be on my toes in versatility as well as durability.
10. Get plenty of rest and take my Viagra. I will need it; seeing that it is not all fun and games, I know I will have my work cut out for me. But, I am ready for it with my creativity, my sense of self and placement: two feet firmly planted on the ground ready to undulate for society on a whole. See, the task ahead calls to me in junk e-mails and the E-Channel, from Howard Stern to late night cable commercials. Isn't sex something I am supposed to be doing and it all seems so damn glitzy, so darn important and by all accounts, it is being done by amateurs! The girls have gone wild, and males like me divorced, aging and angry must be crazy for not getting in while the getting is good. All hell has broken loose and it is a tad chaotic in the world. The only industry in the wake of the Military Industrial Complex and the Fox News Channel that seems to be bright eyed and bushy tailed (my apologies to Mr. Hefner) is Porno. So let's take it global like Professional Wrestling only a bit more, err, graphic. I can help. I will bring my years of experience in the canyons of commerce known as corporate America; I will bring a strong work ethic to an industry that seems a tad lackadaisical and a bit whimsical and in need of order. I will call a staff meeting of the ubiquitous Ron Jeremy, the aforementioned TT Boy and the gaggle of young flesh that seems so willing to put it out there and we will declare Planet Porno and never look back!
I can see it now -- can't you? A dental plan, 401K and yes, all the sex I want without the regret and remorse that the entanglements of the human heart can lead one to.
Dream on, you say? That is exactly what Planet Porno wants me to do, won't you join me?