Canyon Fodder
Ugly People Stand and Unite
By Joe Dinki
Aug 1, 2003 - 10:25:00 AM


So you are ugly.

Admit it, compared to the American ideal propagated in the media, immersed in myth and lounging in legend, you are ugly.

Take heart, most everyone in one way or the other is ugly or on his/her way to becoming ugly--you are not alone. Beneath the various hair colorings, make-up applications, toupees, chin-tucks and lid lifts lies an ugly person--the very soul of America.

Ugly is good. Have no doubt. Ugly, to get all Zen about it, is the underlying form upon which all endeavor springs --the surface stuff, the glitz, the glamour in our society is all part and parcel of denial and self-delusion. If you do not buy into it, you will succeed.

So, herein are my 15 reasons why to be ugly is not to be feared, rather it should be embraced.

  1. Ugly people are rooted in reality. Ugly people tend to be focused less on trivial matters, such as whether their role models like Ashton What's-His-Name or the cast of "Friends" will succeed with Demi Moore or overcome a hangnail before the next commercial break. They can instead focus more on things that really matter, like how can I cure this or fix that or change some injustice.
  2. Ugly people have less car accidents. Ugly people are not always using their rear-view mirrors to check out their skin for sags or the state of their hairline. Their eyes are glued to the road, ever vigilant in seeking their destination.
  3. All our best actors are ugly. Clint Eastwood did not achieve any respect or honors until he got ugly. The uglier he got, the more he achieved. All the best actresses are those who have taken the chance to appear disheveled and out of sorts on camera. Real is in, real ugly is better.
  4. Ugly people do not accessorize. Not only in a fashion sense, but also in a real sense. If you are interacting with an ugly person, it is not for show. An ugly person shuns window dressing and gilded distraction--the ugly person has a simple motive in dealing with you: the truth. Ugly people are more or less virtuous; in touch with the reality of living -- something that they have had to deal with since their first ugly days of youth.
  5. Ugly leadership is better leadership. All the time spent on spraying and spackling for the cameras did nothing for the Republican Congress in the last few years that a few more pounds of Representative Nadler from New York could not do better.
  6. Ugly people run the show. Hasn't it become apparent in The Ugly versus Beautiful paradigm that in the flow from beautiful toward ugly, the ugly have the lead? Too heavy for you? Try this: the great young athletes burn out or get injured; the coaching and the front office--ugly guys for the most part -- remain in place. That goes for the crusty sportswriter and the array of young bucks he criticizes as they rise, fall and are replaced, the plain or blocky fashion designers and the lean and sleek runway models, the curmudgeon car dealers and their sharp dressed salesmen, the tortoise and the hare? How can this be?
  7. While the narcissistic brood and fuss and thump their chests over fleeting aesthetics, the ugly are running away with the race. Yes, we ugly people never allow the pomp, the circus, and the ceremony -- the speed bumps of self-doubt and fear of aging found in the fast lane of life -- to ever slow us down.
  8. Ugly people attract beautiful mates. It is mostly true. Opposites attract and the attractive seem to gravitate toward their opposites. Go figure.
  9. Ugly people are better lovers. In a recent study, it was confirmed that most love making takes place in the dark, so when it comes down to the nitty gritty, the nitty gritty perform better--leaning less on physical attributes and more on the nitty gritty. Side bar, during all the maneuvering and contortion that takes place during sex, you get ugly. Ironic isn't it?
  10. Ugly people seldom back down from a fight. Where would this nation be without George S. Patton, Omar Bradley and Dwight Eisenhower? Golly, all our great military leaders have been pretty ugly. Ugly never expects to walk into a confrontation and just dazzle the enemy with its pearly whites.
  11. Honey, when did all these ugly people move into our condo association? I was too busy checking out the great looking couple next door. Ugly people are more mercurial. Ever notice that you will just pass right by an ugly person but allow beauty to stop you right in your tracks? Well, that ugly person always finds a way to slip in and out of situations with his or her mercurial, indefinable nature--a pure Machiavellian creature, the ugly person moves amid your power structure, your office, your neighborhood with an idiosyncratic precision and instinct that is dizzying.
  12. Every beautiful person is an ugly person screaming to get out. I hit upon this in the opening preamble so I will amble a bit further. Human beings cannot survive for long trapped in a cage, emotional or otherwise, especially one that is self- imposed. To accept your gift of ugliness is to accept yourself, which kind of snowballs into accepting everyone, even the beautiful from whom you have suddenly found yourself exiled.
  13. If you are right, then why are we bombarded with beauty? Well, maybe after reading this, advertisers, television producers, romance novelists, fitness gurus, self-help tape-guys with perfect teeth and anyone else who thinks aesthetic beauty is in the eye of the beholder--and the beholder demands beauty--will have to rethink their gestalt.
  14. I am ugly. I have been truly ugly for 25 years or so. So ugly that I am happy. If I did it, you my ugly brethren can too. Hang in there.

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