LOS ANGELES—Bored?  So am I.  If you have nothing better to do than to slap mosquitoes off your arms this season or make prank calls to your boss, try recording a list of sarcastic phone messages, and then decide on your own if you actually want to use them.  At your own risk, of course.

1)  Why, hello!  I find it a very painful inconvenience to be bothered at this time.  So leave a message with your name, number and the time you called, and I will be mildly happy, to return your call, whenever I wake up, and, whenever I feel like it.

2)  Hello, there.  I really appreciate your call.  I am not available at the moment, so leave a message with your name, number and the time you called, at your earliest convenience, have a nice day, and...all of that polite stuff I don't really mean, leave a message.

3)  If you are (friend's name), leave a message.  If you're a telemarketer please hang up.  If you're a debt collector, uh. (Uncomfortable, nervous coughing).  Everybody else leave a message.

-------------------------

-------------------------