Edge of the West
"W" Lobs Softballs Up To Op-Ed Plate
By Ron Scott Smith
Mar 19, 2006 - 7:08:00 PM

WASHINGTON D.C.I want to like these guys, I really do. No hater you'll find here. The leaders of the free world- the bad guys? Never. "So find something good to say", I say to myself, "and just say it." 


So Dick Cheney had a few beers at lunch with the female ambassador to Switzerland who he's rumored to be doing before he went out and shot his buddy in the face and that's good in a way. The man is revealed to be human, likes to have a little fun. So sue him. After all, he does always use the secret-service-designated-driver so he's no danger to anyone but himself and his hunting pals when he's throwing back the High Life, right? I know, but what about Lynn- the betrayed wife? Well, maybe you've heard of open marriage? For all we know she's got it going on with Rumsfeld and if that's her taste, so be it. It's their life so lay off.

Then Bush played cricket with some kids in India who will grow up to answer outsourced phones for AOL and FEMA some day, and got hit by a pitch that was lobbed up to the plate for him to knock out of the park if that's what you call it in cricket, and what could be more endearing or more down to earth than that? 

There. Good things found and said. Do we all feel better now? I know I do.


Like the kids in India, these guys just keep lobbing softball after softball up in here and it's getting too easy, to where you almost don't have to write it down any more because everybody gets it. Even Ohio's starting to get it. Bush's approval ratings are at an all-time dismal low somewhere in the 30 percent range and Cheney is about to go into the minus numbers, which would give Zogby and fellow pollsters something to think about, what with more people disapproving of the veep than actually exist.

Talk about hanging a curveball right down the middle of the plate? This wily bunch has been scaring us to death- and to reelection- for going on five years now, by force-feeding us this threat of terrorists sneaking in here to blow the place up. So what do they do but strike a deal with perhaps the most terrorist-friendly nation on the planet to manage the ports of entry into the United States of America. It's like the guy who cried "fire" in a crowded movie theater got so frustrated when nobody listened to him that he had to start one himself.

Illustration by Jessica Huff

"I watch CNN, but I'm not sure I can tell you the difference in Iraq and Iran, but I know Jesus, and I talk to God."

If you think George W. Bush said that, you'd have good reason to, but you're wrong. It's from an Alan Jackson song and when the lyric of a good old southern redneck boy like Alan Jackson can be used to poke fun at the Texas-born, country-music loving president, you know this op-ed thing is getting way too easy. Like Vin Scully might say, "She's going, going gone."

The Alan Jackson/ George Bush geographic dyslexia is already disastrous for the country with the "q" on the end, soon to be disastrous for the one with the "n". What must it say there in the Bush foreign policy manual? Something like:

  • Iraq- western-style secular government- not good. Start war under false pretense then replace deposed secular regime with fundamentalist religious government.

  • Iran- fundamentalist religious government- not good. Start war under false pretense then replace deposed religious regime with western-style secular government.

They all but obliterate one proud, sovereign nation for, let's say, "almost" having weapons of mass destruction, then go a couple countries east and strike a deal with India that allows them to build them to their heart's content. It's like watching a tennis game, because next you turn your neck in the other direction, back towards Iran, which slowly but surely seems to be taking on the shape of a giant bullseye, because, kind of like their unfortunate neighbors that end in "q", they too "almost" have the killer weapons, and almost having them is far worse than actually having them. Just look a little farther east, at North Korea, which boasts of its arsenal and skates. If I was Iran, I'd build them in a hurry if I didn't already have them, wouldn't you? Then a quick turn back the other way toward Pakistan, already fully-loaded, who look upon the new Bush-approved nuclear-proliferation of arch-enemy India with little amusement. I don't know about you, but my neck is getting sore.


This just in: The levees that gave way and turned the "Crescent City" into Lake New Orleans while the vacationing president strummed a guitar are finally being fortified and rebuilt by his crack Army Corps of Engineers. Good, right? Wrong. They're using "weak sand" as has been identified by a team of investigators assigned to the project, weak sand that "will erode in a storm." Did I hear that right? I tell you, this is getting too easy. Like shooting quail in a barrel with a 12-gauge shotgun.

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