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He Said/She Said

Waiting In L.A.
Posted by Winter Kelly on Sep 1, 2001 - 11:45:00 PM

Jenna Skarzenski / Canyon News
LOS ANGELESShe says to "wait for marriage." He says "just do it." What do you say?


In the environment of scantily clad, beach babe, bottle-blondes, and Arnold wannabes, there wanders the whole MTV generation following the billboards along Santa Monica and Sunset.

Let's talk about sex.

We are in a society that encourages one to take a man, take a woman or take both, to bed. An act of homosexuality or heterosexuality is acceptable; however, an act of celibacy is not. We have sensitivity classes in local schools teaching young children to be proud of their sexual preference, as well as how to accept the preference of others. We have sex ed classes teaching teens how to acquire birth control. Yet, schools are not teaching that waiting until marriage is okay? Neither is the media.

Dating in LA, it is common to get to third base on the first date. It is all about girl power
the Spice Girls showed us thatbut "Beverly Hills, 90210" and "Melrose Place" showed it best. But is this really girl power? Or is it another form of male power? The girl gets attached when she sleeps with someone, but a guy can sleep around and never even care for the girl.

You want to be cool, you get what you want, which is getting in bed with someone you find hot. What comes of it? People live together before they get married. They want to try it out before the real thing. Soon we will have test babies; try out your baby, if you do not like it or the match is not right you can give it back.

Turn on channel nine at 11 p.m. and watch "Change of Heart." It is a show about couples who want to date strangers because for some reason their current relationship is not working out. The show advertises, "Wanted: couples dating between 3-8 months, over the age of 20." On the show, they always talk about the bedroom, and how it is lacking. These couples have been dating under a year and they already know what the other gives in the bedroom? Why get married then? What is there left to respect or find out in the relationship? It has already reached its climax, its peak and its most exciting point in more ways than one.

In a recent relationship, everything was perfect. We were best of friends, had the same interests, we even both agreed we were soul mates. Nothing was ever more right until the big "S" came up. He assumed that I would go all the way from the start, even though he knew that I had no interest in taking part in that kind of intimate, premarital relationship. He thought he could convince me that his way was better.

Oh, and he was a musician! Girls volunteer free nights of fun to musicians for a ticket backstage. He did not have to wait for me, when he had it available free elsewhere.

NO SEX???? How horrible for him! He attested to having these urges that he said were normal, natural and healthy, and by me denying him the ability to play out these urges within our relationship courting, I was in the wrong. I was stopping him from having a healthy relationship. Every argument we had was about sex, and those were the only disagreements we had. After eight months, there was an ultimatum. He left. Three weeks later, he came back with a renewed willingness to try. After we hit our one-year anniversary, I realized I could not compete with what was out there and it ended.

Why my stance?

How about HIV? How about other STDs? Did you know that one in three people have a Sexually Transmitted Disease (STD)? Condoms are the only effective measure in protecting against STDs, and only 84 percent effective in preventing pregnancy, so you know it has to be less effective at spreading an STD.

Birth control pills are no more than 99 percent effective. I know this first hand because I am a pill baby, a baby conceived while his or her mother was on the pill.

What about "out of wedlock" babies? Is it fair to bring up a child in a broken home? Definitely a wrong start for a child's life.

He says, "Well, we use more than one method of birth control and that decreases the risk."

The only 100 percent sure method of birth control is abstinence. Nothing else will protect you from sexually transmitted diseases except abstinence. Then, if you are certain you are in a monogamous relationship and your partner is free from all disease, there is still the risk of making a baby. A baby is an 18-year commitment. Unless, of course, you support the birth control method of abortion, which is another topic in itself.

As a female, don't I have the right to say what is going to happen to my body? Of course I do! Well that option starts in the bedroom, not in the abortion clinics.

It is funny that many people, who support abortion rights, do not support my position. During the last election campaign, people were saying that we must protect our right to abortion, as women must have the right to control what is happening to their body. Women do have the right to control this, but what do politicians have to do with it? A baby is a possible consequence of sexual relations. We know this and if we are willing to take that risk, we are ultimately controlling our possible destiny.

One boyfriend told me that I am wasting my youthful energies by not exerting my rights to free sexuality. I believe I am preserving my health for later years for my HIV free, abortion free and STD free family... when I am ready.

I believe we are made for many reasons. One of those privileges of life is sex. Yes! But it is with the one you love, that you commit to, forever. One in two marriages ends in divorce. Don't you think our free-for-all sexual society has something to do with this? Maybe if people kept their pants on for a length of time until they knew the person well enough to commit, then commit, and then be freely sexual. There would be more reason to have a lasting relationship.

Recently, a friend said she was distraught over a breakup. She really liked this guy. He was too busy. Funny he was not too busy prior to their consummating their relationship. Why can't we be a little more patient with each other until we find Mr. or Mrs. Right and then that is just it? Do not have sex until you are a Mrs.

You won't believe that I was born and raised in Los Angeles, and exposed to this have-it-all-at-your-fingertips society. I was told I was a prude by my first boyfriend at age 13 for not having done it yet. He left me to walk home at 3 a.m. on senior prom night because I would not give in as my friends were giving in. Two of which had prom babies and are now still single moms. AND SO? I learned to keep it a secret. It is almost as if you cannot have the right guy without testing out a bunch of them.

I do not want to pretend I am married until I am. I feel if someone will value me and respect me as a person, they will invest their future and everything that is at stake and make the final commitment to me. If I do not find that in my 20s, and have to wait until my 30s or 40s to find it, then I will wait. In the meantime, I will not be a single mother or catch an incurable disease, other than the one L.A. guys tell me I already have for not giving in to their social, sexual pressures.


The chief arguments on why waiting is important tend to square more with terminal silliness than anything else. The reasons for waiting appear to be:

1. Adult sexual behavior puts adolescents at risk for STDs
2. Protecting Adolescents From Harm
3. Adolescent Sexual Intercourse
4. Herpes Simplex Virus Type 2
5. School-age Pregnancy

I will be brief here. Given the proper guidance and information, consistent with responsible parenting, much of the above arguments tend to cripple. Note the absence of the term adult in the listed five. Why are adults crying about this?

Safe and reasonably affordable means exist to cut against a finding that sex is not safe.

In fact, responsibility tends to cut against a finding of any of them. Add to this the potential motives consistent with the virtual scaring of a female nation into a cross-legged position, and none of the arguments tend to be compelling at all. Do we really believe the exaggerated claims attending many of the statistical findings? Where are these studies taking place? Who is funding the studies? Are the studies printed in peer reviewed journals or merely mouthed sanctimonious and frigid Tipper homilies?

Several studies have shown that morbid obesity is a leading contributing factor in our nation's killer—cardiovascular disease. It becomes ironic that more time is not spent on promoting physical exercise, diet counseling and so on. This is a killer.

Research has confirmed that a healthy sex life will promote better functioning in the immune and endocrine systems, not to mention burn calories, and provide an increased self-esteem and mind-spirit link. This is furthered by the position of one noted commentator, "touching and holding and erotic feelings are everyone's birthright and they are a part of lifelong health." Further, studies have shown that it is a fact: in countries that are more sexually open, there is much less sex crime. In places in this country where obscenity laws have been struck down, there has been no increase in sex crime. In these cases, such as in Maine and Oregon, sex crime rates have actually gone down.

How open a country is regarding sexuality is directly related to the amount of sex crime in that country. The more open and unrepressed, the fewer sex crime offenses.

While there may be truth to the maxim, "Good things come to those who wait," I respectfully dissent. Save the poetry for Shakespeare. Life is not a box of chocolates. If it were, one would explode in your mouth, one would look great but taste terrible, and one would cause instant disease. Experiment. Put the romance books aside... make love not war.

I believe that George Michael had it right, "Sex is wonderful, sex is fun, it's logical, it's chemical, but most of all, sex is something that we should do!"

I end with a famous slogan:

"Just Do It!"


Cliffside Malibu




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