Attachment: Strength Or Weakness
Posted by Tim Stiglitz and Winter Kelly on Jan 1, 2003 - 4:14:00 PM
This month we explore the subject of when relationships hurt. Moving more specifically ahead in this dark leafy jungle, with machete now at rest, alas... the clearing, the inevitable crossroads. Standing there, we address whether or not holding on, otherwise known as "letting go" in the cruel and heartless dating vernacular, is the same for guys and girls. To turn back, or not? Is there a treasure ahead or a dozen poisoned darts?
Let me begin by addressing the popular notion, that of, guys having zero feelings, leading to an ability to ditch, leave, or let go, move on, whatever term is being used these days. Wrong. Guys have feelings apart from the kind emanating from inside those Diesel jeans ladies. Where do women get these ideas?
Feelings are founded on themes of affiliation, love, and loss. Therefore, when a relationship comes to a screeching halt, face it, it is the same. We hurt too. True, this topic is often times clouded by differences in coping, not to mention pre-existing psychological issues. However, I am not pointing fingers here, nor am I suggesting that guys in general have evolved better adaptation mechanisms. Some have, others have not - and this is true both ways.
Therefore, if after three good years, Mr. X seems to have little problem moving on, this is not to say that all guys in general would react the same. Perhaps X has a massive social base, others to turn to, perhaps he works 65 hours a week, OR he may bleed on the inside. Nuff said. On the other hand, suppose Ms. Y has a hell of a time coping, cannot sleep, eat, etc. Does this mean women in general react this way to a breakup? Arguably not. Perhaps Y has no friends, had pre-existing emotional attachment problems, yada, yada, yada. Are we on the same page? Hope so. These hypothetical's of course are reversible, again, I am not out to start a fight here, and do not want to stain my new Diesel's. Might have to re-mortgage the house to afford another pair.
To say that guys take things easier, standing alone, is nonsense, and frankly runs afoul of everything since Darwin at the Galapagos. Unlike pre-programmed robots, we are all capable of feeling, caring, trusting and loving. And yes, it hurts like hell sometimes to see all of this fade away. This is Big Tim, saying Happy New Year, and God Bless!
Well, of course men have feelings. However, the location of their feelings is often below the belt. They are most concerned with having to possibly be rejected by another girl, going to bed alone sex-less and finding a new girl that will give as much as the current one.
Guys are different than girls. If it were up to guys to give birth, there would be cloning and adoptions only in effect. Guys do not like pain. Girls know that childbearing is painful, but they still face it. Same with relationships. When it is time to move on, if it is the right thing, do it.
As relationships evolve, men become weaker and more unwilling to properly court the opposite sex. Maybe it is our fault for being too free with our time, our company and our bodies. Maybe men get so comfortable in a relationship and not having to work for it, that they are unwilling to leave, disguising it as sensitivity and attachment. The reason they stay in unhappy relationships has nothing to do with their attachment to you, it has almost everything to do with their laziness. They do not want to worry about having to ask girls out, and starting the whole process of dating again. For goodness sake, they might meet a good girl that will not want to have sex before marriage, expect the guy to pay for their dinners, and open doors, etc...
According to research conducted by the Institute for American Values Courtship Research Team, led by Norval Glenn and Elizabeth Marquardt, college women claim it is uncommon for college men to ask them on dates. Only 50 percent of college women, seniors reported having been asked on six or more dates by men since coming to college and a third of women surveyed said they had been asked on two dates or fewer. Young women and men more often "hang out" rather than go on planned dates, and if they live in a coed dorm, their dorm is where they most often meet members of the opposite sex.
In addition, it is rare for guys to acknowledge when they have become a couple. They report that because women can hang out or hook up with a guy over a period of time and still not know if they are a couple, women often initiate "the talk" in which the woman asks regarding their commitment status. The men often do not volunteer their position until this "talk".
Now, just imagine... If someone drops off money once a week without any obligation on your part. This is free money to keep without any labor or trouble. Soon, you will quit your job, and accept it, then later... depend on it. Why would you leave that? It is all free for you. There is nothing to trouble you... just accept it. Guys know that if they leave it, they might not find another situation as such.
Today, so many men will not even ask a girl out. Many guys only go out with girls that will ask them out, make the first move and be the man in every way. There is no challenge, there is no mystery. There is absolutely no labor on the part of the guy. Pretty soon, we will learn that girls are opening the doors for the guys, asking the guys out, pumping the gas, leading in the work force and paying the bills. How sad is that! With all this role reversal, we might as well find a way to give the whole child bearing process to men so they can at least be good for something...
I do not call staying in a current relationship admired as a strength of sensitivity... I call the attachment a weakness.
Serving Bel Air, Benedict Canyon, Beverly Hills. Brentwood, Laurel Canyon, Los Feliz, Malibu, Pacific Palisades, Melrose, Santa Monica, Sherman Oaks, Studio City, Topanga, Canyon, Westwood & Hollywood Hills.