He Said/She Said
Juggling Friendships With Relationships
By Tim Stiglitz & Winter Kelly
Feb 1, 2003 - 6:51:00 PM

Friendships and Committed Love: Can the two co-exist with different people?


For some, this is an impossible juggling act, hell, for others maybe even "forbidden fruit", but for those like me, this is a snap. Three things must be kept in mind: communication, first loyalty, and balance.

Communication. This runs a delicate balance between keeping one's mouth shut, and full, frank disclosure of all controversial facts. What do I mean by this? If there was or is an upcoming sleepover at Kate's after a late night at the movies, tell her, or, if you are not really meeting the guys for darts, tell her you are seeing Suzy and be honest for Pete's sake! Hide nothing. Stated plainly, controversial facts are those that could kick your ass! Ever step on a land mine in Iraq? Well, neither have I, but remember this guys: hell know no fury like the scorn of a woman. Repeat that phrase three times while clicking your heels together next time the bright idea pops up, "she'll never find out!" or "ahh, she'll handle it well." Wrong. Woman are about as predictable as the next episode of Oz on HBO, only this time, your ass is in solitary for damn sure! Got me? I warned you. Facts that can remain concealed are those that do not bear directly on hurting the committed relationship. Walking a friend's dog, for instance, is a concealable fact. Lightly complimenting a friend on her hair, or new shirt, these facts are harmless as well. Still confused? Ask yourself this: is it a newsworthy fact? If so, tell it, if not, proceed with a smile. In short, communication of some facts is absolutely necessary, while zipping lip on uninteresting, harmless facts is fine.

First Loyalty. This means making your committed love a priority at all times. She comes first. Plans must be made around her. She is first in line, always has a hall-pass, always has a +one, always has your full undivided attention, support and encouragement. Well, I think you get it by now. Briefly, would you cancel a romantic dinner that had been planned in advance to instead see your friend and chit chat on the sofa? Nope. Nuff said. On this last point, let me roll up my Diesel's and gingerly tread into the murky waters of mixing romance with a friend, while already committed. DO NOT DO THIS. If you do, I assure you, the undercurrent is a bitch, it will pull you far away from shore, sucking you under, the waves are very choppy and there be sharks in that there water mates!!

Balance. This refers to time. Make time for your friend, but for Pete's sake do not do it at the expense of canceling something important with your "first loyalty". Be a good friend, and be a good lover. Both can happen. If your friend is way overdue for some attention, treat her well, use a few "harmless facts" and make her feel important too.

There you have it, my three-prong road map to having the cake and eating it too. Some of you may hate me for this, but hey, hate the game, not the player. This is Tim, and I'm out.


The title of Tim's article should be... Lovers and Wives: can the two coexist?

Sure, they can! Hence... the American divorce rate being 40 percent in the year 2001 (National Center for Health Statistics).

I agree that Communication, First Loyalty, and Balance should exist in any existing committed relationship, however not on the same caliber as Tim lectures.

Communication. If one has to sit there and calculate each element of your extra curricular relationships, there is a definite problem beyond the issue of having friends of the opposite sex. Tim so wrongly believes he knows what we (girls) think and what we want. He is fooling himself with this less than innocent approach to juggling love interests. He compares woman being scorned to a land mine in Iraq. I assure you that any man, who nonchalantly tells his committed love that he has spent the night at another woman's house, has definitely seen an explosion comparable to war bombs. Predictable? We are NOT! Tim only thinks he can predict us, thereby digging his grave even deeper.

In a committed relationship, if there was ever a sign that he wanted to even go to a movie or spend the night with another female, it would be O.V.E.R. (Over at the Very Edge of Ridiculousness)!

Interesting concept: Shock your partner with outrageous directness and she has no choice to think if you are crazy enough to tell her you were sleeping at some girl's house, you would be crazy enough to admit you had sex. I mean, only a crazy man would tell his wife that he is spending the night at some other chick's house, let alone do it.

Hiding things is never innocent, such as walking your (girl) friend's dog, sleeping at your (girl) friend's house, and any other compliments you throw to any other person of the gender you are quietly pursuing. Compliments, even if claimed to be innocent, are dangerous and can only lead to destruction. Your compliments should be limited to your wife, and no one else, unless it is a passing comment with no second or third thoughts or reasons to it. Otherwise, you are creating fantasies or options for yourself that you do not need or claim to want.

First Loyalty. Of course, there should be first loyalty. That should not mean that you schedule your plans around your committed love, yet that you want to and prefer to be around her at all times.

Balance. One needs balance. However, balance is simply to "have a life" regardless of your relationship. This does not mean to have another love interest outside. To balance time between your committed love and another "friend" of the opposite sex is basically candy-coated cheating.

Tim, another lawyer with corrupt thinking... I guess law school dissolved your common senses, and put you thinking in the defense mode at all times. Have you yet submitted your resume to the OJ defense dreaming team?

Lying is lying. Concealing facts is hiding truth, therefore lying. Just remember this: if you are prancing around, complimenting, dining, dating other women and you directly tell your committed one this, it is guaranteed that there is some revenge in order; even if she is not shocking you with details... it is there!

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