He Said/She Said
Waiting For Sex In The City
By Sean McConnor and Winter Kelly
Jul 1, 2003 - 11:01:00 PM

Jenna Skarzenski / Canyon News
LOS ANGELES Dear He Said She Said,

Recently, my boyfriend said I'm wasting my youthful energies on "not exerting my rights towards exploring my sexuality." Is there any reason to wait until you marry to have sex? Please give me your insight on waiting in L.A. What are the pros and cons of waiting of having sex? Does anyone in LA "wait" to have sex anymore?

Sexless in the Canyon


Dear Sexless,

So, your boy is pressuring you to have sex. Been there, done that, unfortunately. I guess you are hearing the standard lines such as: "we will be closer," "why are you saving it" and "if we don't have sex, I am gonna have to see a doctor", etc... To your credit, you are not taking the bait and are thinking about it. You are quite correct because it will be you, Sexless, who will be holding the bag 24/7, 365 days a year if you get pregnant.

I am of mixed feelings about this whole pre-martial sex issue. I regret I had sex without marriage. The people I encountered have moved on and I have too. What had been an immediate passion is not anything but a faded memory. Jeez, I wish I could have abstained for that person who I want to marry someday.

On the other hand, we live in a world, where the pressure is on from movies and the print media to have sex. It is the thing to do. It is casual and no one gets hurt as they portray it. I can never figure it out though how a couple gets all hot and bothered in the movie and has sex and never mentions condoms, birth control, or who is gonna baby-sit baby Sally or Joe when the woman discovers she is pregnant. I guess women do not get pregnant in the movies.

Okay, you want an answer. First of all, I do not date anyone who is committed (such as having a boyfriend, married, etc.), so that rules out people who are looking for flings while holding to their hubby. Secondly, I tell them, "hey, if we are gonna get serious, we get tested before we do anything, etc." That puts a damper on everything. The serious ones stay around and the players leave when I say that. So, we are left with the ones, I might be intimate with. If we are really crazy about one another, committed and tested (!), then maybe. But I have not met anyone that I am head over heels for and if I did, I would rather love them as a wife than a friend.

Hope this helps, Sexless. Good luck. You will do fine. You are a thinker.


Dear Sexless,

We reside in a society that encourages one to take a man or woman or both to bed. An act of homosexuality or heterosexuality is acceptable; however, an act of celibacy is not. We have sensitivity classes in local schools teaching young children to be proud of their sexual preference, as well as how to accept the preference of others. We have Sex Education classes teaching teens how to acquire birth control. Yet, schools are not teaching that waiting until marriage is okay and neither is the media.

Dating in LA means it is common to get to third base on the first date. It is all about girl power - Madonna and the Spice Girls showed us that - but 90210 and Melrose Place showed it best. Is this really girl power? Or is it another form of male power? The girl often becomes attached when they sleep with someone, but it is natural for a guy to sleep around and never even care for the girl.

"Change of Heart" was one of the first reality dating shows, which demonstrated relationships with couples who want to date strangers because for some reason their current relationship is not working out. The show advertised "Wanted: couples dating between three to eight months, over the age of 20". On the show, they always talked about the bedroom and how it is lacking. These couples have been dating under a year and they already know what the other gives in the bedroom? Why get married then? What is there left to explore in the relationship? It has already reached its climax, its peak and its most exciting point in many ways. After that, significant interest is lost. If there is not a strong basis of a relationship by that point, the relationship will suffer.

Reasons for waiting: HIV. STDs. Did you know that one in three people have Sexually Transmitted Disease (STD)? We are told that condoms are the only effective measure in protecting against STDs. Condoms are only 84 percent effective in preventing pregnancy, so you know it has to be less effective at spreading an STD. Birth control pills are no more than 99 percent effective. (I know this first hand, because I am a 'pill baby' - a baby conceived while his or her mother was on the pill.)

The only 100 percent sure method of birth control is abstinence. Nothing else will protect you from sexually transmitted diseases except abstinence. Then, if you are certain you are in a monogamous relationship and your partner is free from all disease, there is still the risk of making a baby. A baby is an 18-year commitment.

If anyone asks you why you are wasting your youthful energies by not exerting rights to free sexuality... you can always say that you are preserving your health for later years of HIV free, abortion free and STD free family... when you are ready. As a female, don't you have the right to say what is going to happen to your body? Well that right starts in the bedroom, not in the abortion clinics.

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