I recently ended a relationship with a man that I loved dearly. We got along perfectly 95 percent of the time. We were always together, and he constantly told me how much he loved me every day, at least two to five times a day. I would have never broken the relationship if he was more emotionally stable, but I thought time away would give me the chance to see the bigger picture, and it did, but not how I expected!
Right after we split, several of his friends approached me to tell me that he is gay and many asked me how I could be so blind to not see it. Gay or not, it wouldn't have mattered because I loved him, but what does matter is that he is a non-working actor and I'm very much so in the entertainment industry. Now I see the big picture. Although MY love was real, HIS love was just a phony cover-up to get closer to his Hollywood Dream. I'm destroyed over this. I don't even miss him or any of the good things (I thought) we had. The thought of him disgusts me. I feel like I wasted a year of my life promoting this man in my inner circle because I loved him, and all he wanted was the contacts. How could someone just blatantly lie to another just to get ahead? How could he not have a conscience?
What's worse is that my entire family saw it coming. They always warned me not to date a non-working actor and I thought this man was different. His words were as false as his promise to be in my life forever. When I approached him with my revelation from his friends, he got so defensive and angry and wouldn't explain himself. He would only throw out attacks on how horrible a person I am and it's all my fault, etc. This reassured me that everything people had told me was true. I've been conned. So how do I get past this hurt? Even though I've gone on with my life, I feel really burned. I'm sick that I actually fell for a gay guy and didn't know it!
Used and Abused in Hollywood
Dear Used and Abused in Hollywood,
You are not alone. There are millions of us who have been in a relationship where one was the taker and the other was the giver. It happens in gay, straight, lesbian, and bisexual relationships. The giver always gets the short end of the stick because they give themselves wholeheartedly to a relationship and put up with everything, from abuse to hurt feelings, to make it work. The taker walks away intact because he or she has not given up anything. They still have their neurotic narcissism.
In your case, it was compounded because the guy is supposedly gay. If that is the case and you expected a sexual relationship, consider yourself lucky you found out now. I know a woman who had a big church wedding, got tons of gifts, and went on a honeymoon with the groom and got a surprise. He wouldn't consummate the relationship. I think maybe he just wanted a trophy wife and may have liked the bride, but he loved guys better. It was a horrible situation for all concerned but the bride got counseling, is married now to a straight guy, and has a daughter. (She lived with her current husband before marrying him!)
Enough of the guy, let's hope you get some counseling for a few sessions to get over the experience of feeling used, abused, and conned. Talking with mom or a girlfriend won't cut it. You need a trained person to help you sort it all out. This will help you get on track immediately.
In the meantime, do not shut out all other potential male friends. Gay or straight, you have proven you can attract guys. You just need to find the right, honest straight man and he is probably reading over your shoulder right now! Hey, and next time, make sure he is as giving and as good of a person as you are!
Dear Used and Abused,
Welcome to Hollywood! Being charmed and conned is something you will see in every other non-working actor. The best thing you can do is get up out of your gloom and go on with your life. When choosing your friends, you must make sure they either do not know of your contacts in Hollywood or that if they do, they are working and successful professionals.
He lied to you about his sexuality. His insecurity is not your problem so do not make it yours. He might have been afraid to tell you because then you would not be so willing to promote him in the industry if he wasn't charming you. He is unavailable to have this emotional bond with you and he lied about it, which is the same as if he was married and said he wasn't. This is the worst sort of betrayal. It is deceitful and wrong. Just get over him. He is not deserving of your concern, worry, or care.
A great friend shared this analogy by Bill O'Reilly: "Life is like driving... When you drive, you have to deal with the traffic and other drivers on the roads. Sometimes you come across a jerk that doesn't know how to drive... you get mad and upset and maybe give him the finger. Then there are jerks in bigger vehicles and you get bothered, but you swerve to avoid these idiots. From time to time, there is a trashcan in the middle of the road. What do you do? You swerve to avoid it. You don't get mad or angry. You can't argue with a trashcan. It's just trash! So you don't even think twice about it. You are indifferent. You simply go around that trash can and move on". This guy is simply trash, you cannott argue with him... you just have to go around it and move on.
If you need some help meeting new people in the area, Canyon News has a new social group that will meet two times a month just to get to know others in town. If you would like to join, call 323-463-3850. If not, there are numerous other ways around town to meet new people. Good Luck!