He Said/She Said
10 Things Not To Do On A Date
By Tim Stiglitz and Winter Kelly
Feb 1, 2002 - 11:29:00 AM

JennaSkarzenski_dinnerdate_1.jpg
Jenna Skarzenski / Canyon News
LOS ANGELES This month's 'He Said, She Said,' debate is on the top 10 things women and men should and shouldn't do on a first date.

HE SAID:

1) Do not see a past date while on our date and flirt unnecessarily only to make me jealous.

2) Do not burden the conversation with talk about past relationships.

3) Do not lie to me, ever!

4) Do not pretend to like something or be someone else only to score points.

5) Do not say things like "I'm going to change you" or "we will fix that."

6) Do not arrange the date at a place that makes it hard to talk.

7) Do not give your curriculum vitae on a date.

8) Do not talk for the sake of avoiding "uncomfortable silence."

9) Do not schedule too much for one date.

10) Do not say that your parents, brothers, etc. are "cool" when I will ultimately find out how lame they are!


SHE SAID:

Well, well, well! Tim Stiglitz, it seems to me that you have experienced some of the above by way of verbiage. Where I agree with some of what you say, I also think there are arguments to what you have stated.

1) A date is a date, and people can juggle different men while experiencing the courtship of one more man. In fact, the purpose of dating is to find Mr. Right; how is one going to find Mr. Right if they are only dating one guy per time? I think that people should not be held to the one-person rule until they are in a committed relationship, not on the first date.

2) I totally agree with this.

3) I agree and listed this on mine!

4) I feel this belongs with number three, do not lie.

5) Well, people not saying this does not mean they are not going to think it. Thinking it is worse as then one does not know what they are in for. When one announces their intent, it is much easier to defend yourself from it or choose to not go out with this person again.

6) Hmmmmm, shouldn't the GUY be arranging the date???

7) If conversation is active and the chemistry is good, there would be no problem with one filling any dead air with their curriculum vitae. However, if you are boring, then the dead air might be interpreted as, "more information needed here."            

8) This also goes with number seven. There should not be a lot of silence time on the first date. It is not as if the two have decided they like each other. In two hours (which I presume is how long the first date should be for), how much silence is there going to be? If there is more than a minute or two, I would find that things are not as smooth as they should be in order to accept a second date.

9) Again? Shouldn't the GUY be planning this???

10) Hmmmm, should your date tell you that her father locked her in the basement for weeks at a time while she was 7 years old and that her mother attempted suicide nine times, and that her brothers and sisters are gang bangers? Would that be more appropriate? Or should she say something nice or nothing at all regarding her family. Remember, you are dating the girl, not her family!


Agreed, I am sure, that I am too much a prude to be living here in LA. However, by the same token, we have more than half of all marriages being dissolved and more unwed mothers than ever before. What does this tell you? Maybe, just maybe my approach might work, if you look back in time and see how many marriages in the '50s worked compared to the '90s. How about how many out-of-wedlock babies and sexually transmitted diseases back in the '40s compared to the '90s?



SHE SAID:
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A Jean Beraud painting, "Au Cafe".


1) The girl should never ask the guy out for the first date between the couple.

2) The girl should not pay, the guy should always insist on paying.

3) The girl should not open her own doors. The guy should open all doors.

4) Sex; should never have sex or heavy petting on the first date.

5) The girl should never drive; the guy should drive or arrange transportation, if he doesn't have a car, he should arrange a cab or limo, or rent a car.

6) Talk about the future. There should be no decisions or heavy plan making on the first date. A first date is to test the waters, not to make final plans for one's future or destiny.

7) Neither person should demonstrate anything but proper etiquette and manners. There is nothing worse than to see a guy chewing with his mouth full and open and the girl reaching across into the guy's plate without invitation. Manners and hands to oneself is all that should be displayed on a first date.

8) No teasing between either party. Teasing and flirtation to any extent is inappropriate for the first date.

9) Don't lie.

10) Don't discuss religion, politics, or sex.


HE SAID:

My response:


This will be brief, as I completely agree with items 3, 6, 7, 9, and 10. However, and I will take them one at a time, the remaining items are, well, a bit of a fantasy.


Item #1: This is too "Little House on the Freakin' Prairie." Come on, what ever happened to a girl seeing what she wants, and pursuing it? Some of the great relationships of our time would not have happened but for this. When a girl asks the guy out, this says absolutely nothing about her being loose or desperate.


Item #2: Okay, I kind of agree with this, but dissent to this extent: Why? Where is this coming from? Again, it is too old-fashioned, and besides, LA is damned expensive. A birthday dinner, a Valentine's dinner, okay . . . no problem, but the casual date. No. Suffers from vagueness and over breadth. Laughs.


Item #4: What do you mean by "heavy petting?" Tell me what this means and perhaps I will agree. Suppose things are going great, and a long kiss is supplemented with some easy "contact" over the clothes, then what?


Item #5: I can barely type, as my ribs are still aching from this one. This is hitting below the belt. Ouch! Okay, what if the guy is a student from a foreign country, charming as they come, yet does not have enough funds left after the pathetic excuse of a student loan to afford a car or a rental or a freakin' limo? A limo!? What's this? If I were dating Britney Spears, she would not get a freakin' limo. So not only is a guy wholly responsible for the dinner, but the limo as well, huh? Only in LA. Laughs.


Item #8: No. Teasing is an absolute must. It sends body language, it is stimulating and it always seems to send an equivocal "Hmmm, I wonder..." vibe that keeps you guessing. That is a good thing. I am framing this as the "kinder, gentler touch" kind of teasing. Harmless.


This is Tim Stiglitz saying "I got your limo right here!" and I'm out.



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