Some Laughs for November
Nov 1, 2002 - 8:27:00 AM
My uncle (a long time Canyon resident) once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday and sit at the back. During the service he planned to sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.
On Sunday, he went to church and sat in the back pew. The sermon was about the Ten Commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister.
"Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I changed my mind."
The minister said, "Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach thou shall not steal that changed your heart?"
My uncle responded, "No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat."
Get your hot cup of java, relax and read on:
A middle-aged Laurel Canyon woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience.
Seeing God, she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have some improvments made. So, she had a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was struck and killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she complained, saying, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
God replied, "I didn't recognize you!"
The following gem was told to me by Laurel Canyon residents who claim to have read it in a popular Journal:
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your car or pickup, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cozy winter nights by the fire. And I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Feed me and I'm yours.
Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy.
Over 150 excited men found themselves talking to the local Humane Society about an 8-week-old Labrador Retriever.
(Loosen up there lads and lassies, that is quite funny!Isn't it?)
Two old friends met on the street and one invited the other to dinner. "We live in apartment 12B," he said.
"Just lean on the bell with your elbow."
"Why should I use my elbow?" the other asked.
"You weren't thinking of coming empty-handed, were you?"
Political jocularity regarding a former president who was a joke!
Clinton lacked only three things to have become one of America's finest leaders:
Integrity, vision, and wisdom.
(Ok, so you are a democrat with a sense of humor, I hope!)
Farmer Joe(who is now a Laurel Canyon resident) was suing a trucking company for injuries sustained in an accident. In court, the company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine"?
Farmer Joe continued, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman that he was just fine. Now, several months after the accident, he is suing my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
But the judge was interested in Farmer Joe's story and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and crashed into my truck right on the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
"Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her,he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.
"He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"
That's all folks:
Keep smiling and the world will smile with you.
You may email your favorites to Conor@canyonnewspaper.com
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