The Humor Is On Me Now:Jan. '03
Jan 1, 2003 - 4:54:00 PM
To all our readers, I hope you had a Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, etc. and may you all get what you deserve this New Year.
The Mulholland fourth grader was asked by his teacher, Rachel, to spell "straight," the boy did so without error.
"Excellent," said Rachel, the teacher, "now, what is the definition?"
(come on—laugh, you know that’s funny!)
Why are Beverly Hills men like cards?
You need a heart to love them.
You need a diamond to marry them.
You need a club to beat them.
And you need a spade to bury them...
Winter's Bumper Stickers...
~ I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
~ If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I ain't going.
~ If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
~ My husband could have had any women he pleased, he just couldn't please any!
~ Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
~God made us sisters...Prozac made us friends
~It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything
~At my age, I've seen it all, done it all, heard it all...I just can't remember it all.
~Coffee, chocolate, men... Some things are just better rich.
One afternoon I rushed out of the house, forgetting my keys, and found myself locked out...
There was nothing I could do but wait for my wife to come home. I went over to my Laurel Canyon neighbor who was outside raking leaves.
"You locked yourself out?" he asked.
"Yeah, this is the second time since we moved in. After the first time we took an extra key and put it in a jar, then stuck it in a potted plant out on the deck."
"Good thinking... So what's the problem?"
"It's getting chilly, so I took the plants in for the winter."
A Hollywood lawyer sent an overdue bill to his Studio City client. A note was attached that stated: "This bill is one year old." By return mail, the lawyer had his bill back.To it was attached a card which read: Happy Birthday!"
Little Brooke was practicing on her drum set in the living room while her father was trying to read in the den...
The family dog was lying in the den, and as the rhythmic beat of little Brooke’s drums reached his ears, he began to yowl loudly. The father listened to the dog & drummer duet as long as he could. He then jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise,
“For Pete's sake, Brooke, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?!"
The Malibu man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture," the man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife," said the man.
One more truism by that Irish writer Oscar Wilde:
"Bigamy is having one spouse too many. Monogamy is the same."
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