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Humor

The Humor Is On Me Now: March '03
Posted by Conor on Mar 1, 2003 - 2:49:00 PM

Hi ya'll. Get your cafe latte, put your feet up and enjoy. Laughter is good for the soul!

Read on:

It could happen!

Some years ago there was a curious problem in a Hollywood hospital's Intensive Care ward. Patients always died in the same bed on Sunday morning, at about 11 a.m., regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled and upset the doctors and some thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11 a.m. on Sundays. So a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 a.m., doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just as the clock struck 11 the part-time Sunday janitor entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the electrical outlet for the vacuum cleaner.


An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their matrimonial life might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully.
"Well," she responded, very carefully, "I'd have to say I would like it INfrequently."
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, looked her in the eye, casually, and asked,
"Was that one word or two?"


It is now time for some tasteless lawyer witticisms:

How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
Shoot him before he hits the water.
*********************************

Have you heard about the lawyer's word processor?
No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.
*********************************

What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 75?
YOUR HONOR!
*********************************

What do you call a lawyer who has gone bad?
Senator.
*********************************

What is the problem when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.


A quote attributed to Mark Twain :

"Suppose you were an idiot—And suppose you were a member of Congress . . . But I repeat myself."


For all you avid golfers out there the following scenario is perfectly understandable, isn't it? 

One sunny morning, a golfer teed up his ball on the first tee at Laurel Canyon Golf course. After a few practice swings, he steps up to his ball and gets ready to hit a drive on the first hole. Just before he swings, a woman in a wedding gown comes running up from the parking lot. She's got tears streaming down her face. Just as she reaches the raised tee, she screams at the golfer.

"I can't believe it! How could you do this to me?"

The golfer calmly takes a swing and drives the ball straight down the middle of the fairway. He looks at the woman, as he puts his driver back in his bag and replies, calmly:

"Hey... I said only if it's raining!"


A Mullholland Little league coach overheard talking to a young player:

The coach: "Do you understand what cooperation is?"
The youngster nodded yes.
"Do you understand that, what matters is winning together as a team?"
Again, the little fellow nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you are out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"
Again, the boy nodded. Yes sir!
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your mother!"


We can all relate to the following:

Whenever my wife went to the doctor, she would complain to me about the long delay she always endured. One day, when my wife's name was finally called, she was asked to step onto the scale.

"I need to get your weight today," said the nurse.

Without a moment's hesitation the mother of my children replied, "One hour and 25 minutes!"

Which reminds me "Take my wife" PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!


To sum things up:

An Irishman about to go to the electric chair:

"Have you any last request?" asked the prison warden.

"Yes," replied the prisoner. "Would you hold my hand when I go?"


That's all folks. And remember, peace and diplomacy in the world is preferable to war.

If you have a favorite and would like to see it in print , email:

conor@canyonnewspaper.com



 

Cliffside Malibu

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MANHATTAN BEACH

Serving Bel Air, Benedict Canyon, Beverly Hills. Brentwood, Laurel Canyon, Los Feliz, Malibu, Pacific Palisades, Melrose, Santa Monica, Sherman Oaks, Studio City, Topanga, Canyon, Westwood & Hollywood Hills.