The Humor Is On Me Now: June '03
Posted by Conor on Jun 1, 2003 - 4:00:00 PM
Q: Who has blonde hair, surgically enhanced breasts, and is the richest woman in Switzerland?
A: Saddam Hussein.
President Bush and Dick Cheney are having lunch at a restaurant. Cheney orders the heart-healthy salad.
Photo by Olga Litvin
Bush leans over to the waitress and says, "Honey could I have a quickie?"
The waitress was horrified. "Mr. President," she says, "I thought your administration was bringing a new era of morality to the White House. Now I see what a false promise that was." And she marches off in a huff.
Cheney, the V.P., leans over and says, "George, it's pronounced quiche."
A Laurel Canyon gentleman was walking down the street when he was accosted by a dirty, shabbily dressed homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man from Laurel Canyon took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"
"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the homeless man said.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the Laurel Canyon man asked.
"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said, "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend the money on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man from Laurel Canyon asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man, "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded, "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."
The Laurel Canyon man replied, "Hey, man, that's okay! I just want her to see what a man looks like who has given up beer, gambling, and golf!"
This guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale". He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there. "Do you talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders. No one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, "Ten dollars."
The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him for $10?"
The owner replies, "He's such a liar."
Think About It
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.
Max sat at the bar totally dejected. The bartender served him his second drink and said, "What's wrong pal?"
"I'll never understand women," Max said, "The other night my wife threw me a birthday party. She told me that later on, as her gift to me, I could do with her whatever I wanted."
"Wow!" said the bartender. "But why so unhappy? That sounds like quite a gift to me."
"Well, " Max went on, "I thought about it and sent her home to her mother. Now she won't even speak to me."
Young John from Westwood appeared as a witness in a lawsuit. The Bel Air attorney asked, "Where were you on the night of July 10?"
"Your Honor, I object," yelled the Laurel Canyon counsel for the defense.
"That's all right, go ahead and ask me," said John. The L.A. prosecutor repeated the question and again the defense objected.
"Hey. Why shouldn't he ask me?" said John. "I'll answer."
The judge said, "If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object.
So the attorney again repeated the question, "Where were you on the night of July 10?
John said, "I don't know."
You may have heard this one before, but in case you missed it:
A bulldog of a defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a recent trial... The sequence went something like this:
Q. Now Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No, but I subsequently observed a guy matching the description of the perp running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. Johnson, the officer who responded at the scene.
Q. I see... A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Let me ask you, do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. With your life? Your LIFE?! Now then officer, Do you not have a locker room in the police station -- a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties?
A. Yes sir, you know very well that we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. Actually sir, it's like this... We share the building with the court complex, and sometimes "lawyers" have been known to walk through that very room!
Bumper Stickers Seen on "Her" Car:
Next mood swing: 6 minutes
Coffee, chocolate, men...Some things are just better rich.
Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
God made us sisters, Prozac made us friends.
I'm out of estrogen...And I have a gun.
We must not forget lawyers:
What happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?
He grows taller!
(think about it)
The beautiful bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs by his side.
She whispered, "What are your golf clubs doing here?"
He looked her right in the eye and said, "Well, this isn't going to take all day, is it?"
You golfers will understand this one:
Golfer: "I've played so poorly all day; I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."
Caddy: "I doubt that. I don't think you could keep your head down that long.
And finally: Quote of the day!
Never be afraid to tell the world who you are.
Until next month: Stay positive and in good humor!