The Humor Is On Me Now: July '03
By conor
Jul 1, 2003 - 10:59:00 PM

"One year they wanted to make me poster boy... for birth control."

Rodney Dangerfield

On a rural road a state trooper pulled a driver over and said, "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"

To which the driver replied, "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"

Drum roll! Please!

Joseph came home weeping bitterly. He had gone to propose to his girl and his father eagerly awaited her response. "So what happened, Joseph?" the old man asked. "Did she accept?"

"Oh, Dad, she sure didn't. When I told her what you advised me to do, she slapped my face and sent me home."

"Did you start out by saying what I told you to, what I told your mother when she accepted my proposal? 'Dear, time stands still when I look in your eyes.' Did you say that?"

"No, Dad, I got it all wrong. I said, 'My dear, your face would stop a clock!'"

Before and after marriage:

Before - You take my breath away
After - I feel like I'm suffocating

Before - She says she loves the way I take control of a situation
After - She called me a controlling, manipulative egomaniac

Photo by Olga Litvin
Before - Saturday Night Fever
After - Monday Night Football

Before - Charming and Noble
After - Chernobyl

Before - I love a woman with curves
After - I never said you were fat

Before - He's completely lost without me
After - Why won't he ever ask for directions?

Before - Croissant and cappuccino
After - Bagel and instant

Before - Oysters
After - Fishsticks

Before - I can hardly believe we found each other
After - I can't believe I ended up with someone like you

Bernie stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin.

"Listen to this," Bernie said to his wife, Louise, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."

"Yeah," Louise nodded, "and it got your weight wrong, too."

Confucius say: (Or did he?)

Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.

To prevent hangover stay drunk.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

It's not falling that hurts... it's hitting the ground!

Be nice to your kids. They will likely choose your nursing home.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

...Every morning is the dawn of a new error...

For people who like peace and quiet: a phone-less cord.

There are two types of people: those who finish things they start and ——

Dyslexic Agnostic Insomniacs lie awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

Think about it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As always, keep those emails coming in--- until next time stay happy and be of good humor!

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