The Humor Is On Me Now
Posted by Conor on Oct 1, 2003 - 6:00:00 PM
Do you know what is in your personnel file held by your employer? These are actual quotes taken from job performance reviews:
This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
This employee should go far and the sooner he starts the better.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching.
A room temperature "IQ."
A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
Bright as Alaska in December.
He's so dense, light bends around him.
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'll get change.
If you stand close enough to him you can hear the ocean.
One neuron short of a synapse.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge: he only gargled.
Photo by Olga Litvin
Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
My Job History:
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because it was a so-so job.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting. I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
Then I tried to be a chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn't have the thyme.
Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patients.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.
So then I got a job in a gymnasium (work-out-center), but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking.
After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
So I retired and I found I am a perfect fit for the job!