The Humor Is On Me Now: Dec 2003
By conor
Dec 1, 2003 - 1:52:00 PM

I would like to take this opportunity to thank all my readers for their loyalty and input and to say to all: My best wishes for the holiday season.

"Californians are a strange people. They'll put every chemical known to God and man up their nostrils, and then ridicule you for putting sugar in your coffee!"

A lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter asked him, "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"

The lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the records, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that it was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."

The Lawyer said, "Wait, wait! There's more! Three years ago, I also gave a homeless person a quarter."

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who, after a moment, nodded back to affirm that it was true.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."
Photo by Olga Litvin

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

In certain trying circumstances, urgent circumstances, desperate circumstances, profanity furnishes a relief denied even to prayer. (Mark Twain)

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

A friend is one who knows you and loves you just the same.

Life is just one damned thing after another.

Why can't a blonde dial 911?

She can't find the eleven.


Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
-- Oscar Wilde


To All Employees

From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season

Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).

Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.

Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill)

Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."

Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.

All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.

Eggnog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.

In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.


That’s all folks for now, until next time laugh, smile often and be a good neighbor and enjoy the upcoming holidays


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