Miller Time
You Are Going To Hate Me
By Grady Miller
Mar 3, 2013 - 5:44:39 AM

HOLLYWOOD—This is not spam, and I hope you were not one of those despicable morons who marked my Kickstarter campaign launch bulletin as junk. This e-mail is personally directed to you, yes you! Even you, Krebs, who hasn’t spoken to me in years, not since I got really wasted in student housing during the blizzard of ‘96 and tried to get him to shoot up with antifreeze. This is me, swear to God, not a Nigerian scam, as many of you have wrongfully suspected, alleging that my body has been taken over by a money-grubbing succubus who makes Bernie Madoff look like Mother Teresa. It’s me, I swear. Go ahead and ask me the last four digits of my social, ask me my grandmother’s maiden name.

Time is of the essence, guys. Twenty more days! America needs the Water Shredder™ now! Your generous dollars are providing crucial support to patent and manufacture my better mousetrap. (If I don’t patent it somebody could steal it, and try using it to make a Bundt cake). Also, if you’re a little low on scratch, there are many other ways you can contribute to my campaign: like me on Facebook, tweet about the Water Shredder™, or stand on the street and hold a sign that says: “http://www.kickstarter.com/watershredderor Bust.” It’s all good.

This device will make life a whole lot easier for Americans, harried by fears of identity theft and clutter. So open your pocketbooks and your hearts. Visit the link and watch my awesome demonstration video. We can do this together, make my campaign a success, and reach our full-funding goal of $19,999.99 by next month!

Subject: Only ten more days!

First, apologies to Krebs for compromising your security and publicly exposing your e-mail in the address box, along with addresses of my 300 closest friends. Muchas gracias to those who have already seen on my crowd raising video (http://www.kickstarter.com/watershredder). In the video everything did not quite come off. The prototype’s doughnut-shaped plastic canister exploded like Dracula’s head in sunlight and smothered our cat, Mr. Doodles, under an avalanche of spit wads. All of you who have enquired about our cat’s wellbeing: rest assured Mr. Doodles will be just fine as soon as he gets back from the taxidermist.

Listen up, guys! The Water Shredder™ will free millions of people from the daily drag of having to cope with an unending stream of junk mail and printed materials that indiscriminately reveal your social security number. It’s safe, too, safe as water, notwithstanding what happened to Mr. Doodles. In a jiffy you can toss junk mail into the water-filled canister of the Water Shredder™, patent pending—and voilà instantly turns into unreadable mulch that flushes right down the toilet and into the sewer. Or you can use it to add fiber to a banana strawberry smoothie. Of course a substantial portion of the profits from Water Shredder™ sales will go to support my foundation to teach conga drums to faith-challenged nuns in Mozambique.

Look, I know we live in trying economic times, so there are other ways you can contribute: like me on Facebook, post or tweet about the Water Shredder. ™ I need your help now. Support this important cause and visit the link http://www.kickstarter.com/watershredderand watch my demonstration video. We can do this together and make my campaign a success and reach our full-funding goal of $19,999.99 by next month! (And not a penny more, so PayPal doesn’t have to report to Uncle Sam.)

Subject: Countdown—Final 46 minutes!

This has been really awesome, guys. I think of this Kickstarter campaign as community building. Honestly, if it wasn’t for this, I wouldn’t be writing half of you. Some of these e-mail addresses I haven’t used since Clinton was president. By participating in my campaign you will be ensuring not only that a transformative device be available to every household in the United States, but also aiding my foundation to teach conga drums to faith-challenged nuns, and you will be directly contributing to a philanthropic slush fund to keep me off the sidewalks and maintain my inflated mortgage payments.

Thanks to all of you who have already generously supported the Water Shredder™—thanks Mom and one anonymous donor (you can’t fool me; I know that was also you Mom). We have only 46 minutes left and $18,500 to go to meet our goal. So cough it up. All along I have been saying there are ways you can contribute other than money: liking me on Facebook, blogging or tweeting about the Water Shredder™. And now that we near the end of this phenomenal campaign, I reflect that there is indeed a better way to make your voice heard. Money!