BEVERLY HILLS—That morning brew is better than a dozen psychoanalysts. In these troublous times, however, some people think about cutting back on that vital elixir.

HOLLYWOOD—What will happen when Lulu, a recent transplant to L.A. from the afterlife, discovers the guy she fell for is the recently fired valet parker—Matt Daemon—and not the Matt Damon?

HOLLYWOOD—Lulu LaPeer is hurled back to earth in pursuit of the great role denied her in life. On the way to Anna Karenina somebody snaps a photo of her and there’s not a trace of her in the picture. 

HOLLYWOOD—A question was poised, suspended in the air like a poison dart frozen in its flight. Lulu gulped, fearing Matt had unmasked her immortal status. Ha, he’d seen through a ghost.

HOLLYWOOD—Resurrected from the dead, silent film actress Lulu LaPeer doesn’t have a clue that her Matt Daemon (with an ‘e’) isn’t an actor. He has an inkling there’s something spooky about Lulu. 

HOLLYWOOD—An ill-fated starlet from the ‘20s comes back to life to pursue her dream of making a talkie. She finds love when she mistakes Matt Daemon, the valet parker, for Matt Damon, the star.

HOLLYWOOD—In Lilac Zone, the ethereal residence of star-crossed actresses, you could bump into the platinum goddess, Jean Harlow, and see Marilyn Monroe doing the New York Times crossword.

HOLLYWOOD—I was going to show the world that smaller was better and vowed to find a porch light in line with my cottage’s diminutive size. The only other requirement was that it not be "Made In China."

WEST HOLLYWOOD—Take neurotic, tweak it just a little bit and you get West Hollywood. Where else can you be in a yoga-induced walking coma one moment and then in a heart-stopping frenzy the next?

HOLLYWOOD—The audio treasures left by the late Mylanta, the renowned guru to Hollywood, are only now being mined by greedy heirs. His indelible pronouncements will soon grace a T-shirt near you.

HOLLYWOOD—A new trove of recently discovered audio treasures adds to the ever-expanding oeuvre of the late Mylanta, whose vast body of wisdom is now being slowly revealed to a whole new generation.

LOS ANGELES—When it comes to computer failure, one man’s Armageddon is another man’s banana peel.  Fretting over back-up files and external drives is for wimps.

HOLLYWOOD—This real estate crisis is getting out of hand.  Last week I went to Lawry’s prime rib on La Cienega.  The waitress came over and explained that their special is now sub-prime rib. A look back later...

UNITED STATES—There were a constellation of losers in Bernie Madoff’s 50 billion dollar Ponzi scheme—including Kevin Bacon and Steven Spielberg in Hollywood—but a lucky few came out smelling like a rose.

It wasn’t a roof; it was a sieve. Don’t get me wrong. I was grateful to have a roof over my head that was all mine, signed, sealed and delivered.  As it would turn out—I had several roofs over my head.

It is really a dizzying time of change and if it keeps up we may even be ready for the clothes-optional society.  Woohoo!  So, my friends, there is still so much you can do, short of selling a kidney. 

The wait was worth it before the cottage began its transformation from dilapidated to delightful. If only my friends and family had stopped asking when work was going to begin. 

See somebody you haven’t seen for a while, and even weeks after New Year, it’s still fair game to say, “Happy New Year.” Consider the following one of those belated, annoying New Year’s greetings.

The vomit flowed like a pink river down the steep slope of the San Francisco street and New Year’s Eve revelers sidestepped the stream revealing what George had been eating and drinking for the last...