Miller Time
For the Record: Oops!
By Grady Miller
Oct 14, 2007 - 11:22:50 AM

 From Washington, D.C. to Los Angeles, newspapers are having their budgets fleeced and staffs of reporters reduced.  To find a fact checker you might as well hire a private eye.  The result is a burgeoning and quite entertaining new feature, in which a spate of inaccuracies are aired in public to prove to the most demanding reader that the newspaper's journalistic integrity is unimpeachably, and beyond the shadow of the faintest doubt, up for grabs.

        Here's a typical week's sampling for your discomfort:

Auto Accident: An article in Friday's crime section reported that Chad "Opie" Faulk, while escaping the scene of car wash robbery with a suitcase full of quarters, ran into a tree after sheriffs triggered a high-speed chase as they sought to return a second suitcase he had forgotten at the car wash.  Faulk sped up and ran into a tree, killing himself instantly.  For the record, the tree suffered minor injuries and it was a Ponderosa pine.

Close-Out: In the Tuesday Business section it was incorrectly reported that Rudy's Discount Jewelry is going out of business with everything in stock at half off.  We stand corrected.  Everything in the store is 50% off.

Faulk Obituary: Chad Faulk whose obituary appeared inadvertently in the Saturday sports section next to the basketball scores, did not part his hair to the left, but to the right.  We apologize for any additional pain caused to the grieving Faulk family by the appearance of these gaffes in a newspaper with a circulation of 1.6 million.  Also, the funeral plans were announced by Darlene Gibbs who was inaccurately identified in the article as Faulk's wife.  Marsha Faulk is his wife; Darlene was his concubine.

Household Tips: In an article in Thursday's home section it was incorrectly reported that an admixture of ammonia and chlorox, diluted in warm water, make an unbeatable floor-cleaning solution.  It in fact is a lethal combination that will produce a noxious, poisonous gas.  The state of California is now considering it as a more humane method of execution.  And we at the paper deeply apologize to Mrs. Chloe Sorenson of Saugus for the affects of this informational "boo-boo," and sincerely wish that your grandmother is doing well in intensive care, and that she is out of the iron lung in no time.

Robber's name: The name of the car wash robber reported in Saturday's For the Record should be Chad Falk instead of Faulk, as previously reported.  Rather than die after crashing into a tree, he escaped the robbery scene by driving through the car wash in an open convertible and he was scrubbed to death.

Survey: A survey that appeared Saturday reported that a baby crying is one of the most disturbing sounds known to man.  Crying occupied second place, according to the National Bureau of Audio Phenomena.  The most disturbing sound to human beings scientists ranked as whining, closely followed by humming, lip smacking and the voice of an elderly white man saying, "Don't mind if I do," when offered a plate of dumplings.

Double Oops: For The Record Monday gave the wrong first name for the man whose last name was misspelled in the Sunday section.  He is tenor saxophonist and intuitive Herman Falk, not car wash robber Chad Falk.  But he likes the manly sound of the name Chad and is thinking of having it legally changed.

Astrology: Wednesday's horoscope incorrectly appeared on Tuesday.  Instead of "Go ahead and tell your boss what you think," the proper advice for Tuesday was, "be cautious, don’t reveal what you're thinking.  You could regret speaking your mind."  

Cause of Death: Herman Faulk was not scrubbed to death, as previously reported.  (Oops, that is Falk, not Faulk, but serves him right for having a name nobody can spell).  An autopsy revealed this week that he was beheaded.  Mr. Falk now resides happily in Palm Springs.