Future Schlock: The Grady Notebooks
Posted by Grady Miller on Jun 24, 2007 - 2:00:00 PM
Below are excerpts from the hitherto unpublished notebooks of Grady Miller. His musings show him as a frustrated dieter and an impassioned futurist, who often defied convention and wore his socks inside out. As Mr. Miller once remarked to a waitress at Hooters, "Dwelling on the future is preferable to living the past, and it's a darn good way to avoid deadlines."
These notebooks clearly reveal him as a man who would have been ahead of his time if he had just bought a watch.
A New Calendar
The advanced society, freeing itself from the shackles of tradition, will adopt a calendar that starts on Monday instead of Sunday. Few people will notice.
Even if people aren't too crazy about the Eisenhauer dollar, many Americans are deeply attached to the Lincoln penny and the Washington quarter, particularly after mishandling Super Glue. Still, going coinless offers the benefits of making transactions quicker, as all prices will be in dollars, and the National Treasury will save the expense of minting coins. Due to less hours of work for accountants, H. & R. Block will see their business decline and will branch out into day spas. The main objection to this bold enterprise of eliminating coins will be, “How will we do laundry?”
Suspenders of Disbelief
In the future pleats will be outlawed and pants will come equipped with suspenders, a sartorial accessory that has been much stigmatized after being worn by Larry King. These will enable the wearer to go on all kinds of fad diets (the Atkins diet, the Green Tea diet, the intravenous ice-cream diet) without fear of losing so much weight their pants will slide embarrassingly down their hips. Research shows that having one’s pants fall down is a major cause of loss of self esteem.
After it has been determined in the year 2016 that half the population works in a Starbucks, and the other half sits most of the day in a Starbucks, and pays out a substantial portion of their monthly income for that privilege, Starbucks merges with Bank of America. Patrons are able to handle their banking transactions and their java needs all in a single location. They can ask for a “Double Latte” and make a withdrawal to pay for it all in the same place. Also, deposits will be accepted from customers in the form of fresh-ground Arabica, and overdraft fees will be calculated in scones.
Disappearing chewing gum
Scientists working at Lawrence Livermore Lab, attempting to create a superweapon to make Venezuela evaporate, will accidentally hit on a chemical formula to make janitors sing the Hallelujah Chorus. It is a special chewing gum that, after it hardens, will vanish into thin air. Now if we could only get the janitors to stop singing Hallelujah, we'd be living in the perfect world.
In the future there will be no back-seat drivers. But cars will be equipped with a navigational system so accurate, when you make a wrong turn, a computer-generated voice will say, "Turn right, stupid," in a perfect Brooklyn snarl. If you brake lightly at a stop sign, California style, it will gently chide you, "Come to a full stop, jerk"
Not only that, but the car bodies will be made up of contoured solar panels. These will serve as magnets for the sun's limitless energy. After being stuck in traffic all day, in the blazing sunlight, you will be able to plug the car into a special socket of the house. All the stored energy will be released and promptly blow out all the circuits and boil your pet goldfish. Like all of history's grand innovations, there will be a few kinks to get out before it is perfected.
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