VARIOUS—In these times of economic crisis wherein conspicuous consumption has done an about-face and spawned a zany new fad: conspicuous penny-pinching.

LOS ANGELES—I never have had a problem finding parking in Los Angeles.  I'm generally quite reserved, so wherever I go in the city I see all those parking spaces marked "Reserved," I just pull right in.

VARIOUS—Christmas was over, the gifts unwrapped, needle-shedding trees relegated to the curb, I'd already knocked out this week's column, and the best surprise was yet to come. 

CALIFORNIA—California has halted death by lethal injection for being inhumane, but there are many alternate forms of inhumane treatment still available.

HOLLYWOOD—Livin' Large is a mandate in our consumer-frenzied, sybaritic culture, meanwhile the reduced square footage of my new pad has necessitated livin' small.  

HOLLYWOOD—Have you ever wondered, what would happen if an actor plumped up for a role and then later couldn't shed those wanted (for theatrical purposes) pounds?

VARIOUS—Do people reluctantly ask if you lost weight on purpose, or was it disease?  If you answered yes, then you may want to consider going on the original Grady Diet.

VARIOUS—I owe Lindsay Lohan big time. She inspired me to dismiss the dent on the fender of the rented PT Cruiser in a single word: "Paparrazi!"   Ain't life fun in the fishbowl!

VARIOUS— A rag of Gotham once vowed only news that's fit to print.  Now, it's any that fits. If toes get stepped on or facts mangled, there's plenty space for apologies.

VARIOUS— Many a sojourner to West Hollywood reaches the point of they have "had enough."  Yet no sooner do they obey the stirring to head back east, than they will recognize a few precious things left behind that they could never have enough of.

VARIOUS— It’s been said that people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. But those following the new boarded-up windows trend can throw as many as they like.

VARIOUS— In West Hollywood luminaries live anonymously among us, and until their obituary appears does one realize that. So who resides next to you?

VARIOUS— In the final chapter of "The $10,000 Pooch," the hopes of cashing in on a reward are exquisitely poised against fears of being exposed as purveyors of a phony hound.

VARIOUS— College drop-outs, Norman and Valeria dyed for their financial-aid sins and changed the color of their shih tzu to collect a fabulous reward for a long-lost dog.

VARIOUS—Two college drop-outs were being strong-armed by Mr. Big to pay back student loans or else.  After they see a reward poster for an adored and long-missing dog, they have an epiphany.

  VARIOUS— Seduced by the financial counselor’s easy drone and the hypnotic pastime of autographing reams of loan documents, nobody ever warned Norman or Valeria about contending with Mr. Big. 

VARIOUS— Are you unhappy where you are, down-hearted, and apprehensive?  There's always an antidote: look to the future and imagine what marvels lie in store.

VARIOUS— There's no dabbling with meditation.  Once you start, there's no turning back. You can't easily escape meditation-- it's like the Mafia.  You don't mess with it!

VARIOUS— There's a benefit to being two-faced.  If you ever lose face, you've always got an extra to spare. Other enterprises, like gambling, could establish hotlines to dissuade people from buying.

VARIOUS— We were so poor in my family when we were growing up.  The only traveling we did were guilt trips.  The fond memory of those trips was rekindled during a recent visit to church.