Removal of 54 ficus trees from downtown streets…around $1 million.

Removal of 7 city council members from downtown seats…priceless.

Not much of a tree-hugger you’ll find here, truth be known. On most days I have a tendency as I’m sure most do, to walk right on by the things without so much as a nod or hello. They’re nice to lean on, give shade and all, but really they’re just kind of there, right? So it’s ok to make them not there, right?

Right, as decreed by your Santa Monica City Council, and there soon may be no there, as they say, for those unlucky ones designated for either destruction or forced relocation from their Second and Fourth Street homes due to, among other things, "damage to their canopies from oversized vehicles." That, according to City Manager Lamont Ewell, as quoted some months ago in the Santa Monica Daily Press - I'm thinking I must be reading the Onion, except I knew I wasn’t because there’s nobody laughing at any of this.

Let me get this straight:

At significant expense to taxpayers, these trees will be either uprooted and relocated or just plain chainsaw massacred into toothpicks, for what again?

• For being reckless enough to hang a branch in the way of an "oversized" Escalade trying to squeeze into a spot made for a normal car in front of Circuit City?
• For inconsiderately blocking the view at certain angles of a merchant’s sign that says "Bubar’s Jewelry," or "Bank of America," or "Dance Doctor"?
• For sadly possessing no historical significance or "characteristics of noteworthy or aesthetic interest or value…" as decreed by the Landmarks Commission?
• For conspiring to "all die at the same time" in a nightmarish scenario where all at once the streets of Santa Monica go barren, as envisioned by Cy Carlberg, the council’s independently contracted arborist? 

Just saying:

• Instead of getting the trees out of the way of the Escalades, how about getting the Escalade out of the way of the trees? Turn on the key and drive the damn "oversized" Escalade to a place where there’s not a low-hanging ficus.
• 2^nd and 4^th Street merchants are in one of the best locations known to man for selling their wares to other men, and might they not be able to withstand the nuisance of a little foliage getting in the way of their signage until the trimmers trim, as part of a routine maintenance schedule?
• A personal anecdote on the "history" thing: When I first came to Santa Monica some decades ago I was taken most by this very downtown area at issue now. There was tranquility in the heart of this bustling beach town, an ease on the eyes and all the other senses. This is a vivid personal memory, and carries with it a kind of historical significance and "aesthetic interest" the Landmark Commission can’t possibly have computed into their finding. Santa Monica has always been the perfect mix of cosmopolitan and small-town, and for the life of me, the life of those trees has something to do with that.
• Trust me, Cy, they’re not all going to go off to the other side in one big "now-you-see-them-now-you-don’t" moment, leaving a barenaked Border Grill next to a scantily-clad Benihana. Besides, killing trees today so they may live tomorrow just does not compute, would be in computer language, a "fatal error."

City Council’s ambitious tree scheme is part of an $8.2 million streetscape improvement project that right about now should have them feeling a bit squeamish with looming budget deficits that have many city workers and at least 25 teachers in the district facing an axe of a different blade.

Do these guys have too much time on their hands or what?

Their recent activism is starting to come across as nothing so much as mischief born of idle time. It’s not like they’ve got nothing else to do, what with the gargantuan problems of homelessness, traffic gridlock, over-development, skyrocketing rents, and southside gangbanging all proliferating.

But here they are, seven Santa Monica City Council members with all the time in the world to rip the trees off our streets. Time to save our teeth by dumping a compound into our water that requires those who handle it to wear hazardous-material-protective-gear; time to play Big Brother by installing intrusive cameras at our intersections to snare drivers who misjudge the yellow; and time to boot the long-standing cart-vendors off the Promenade on their loyal, hard-working behinds without so much as a thank you. You want to talk about idle time being whose playground?

With some of my own idle time, I’ve been musing on the lumber from those felled trees being milled into a plank wide enough for seven, a short plank placed at the end of our beautiful pier - (which God help it if it ever ruins the view of, say, the Loews Hotel) - off of which they will soon be asked to take a long walk.