Stories of the Strange
Posted by M. Cherise Perez on Feb 12, 2006 - 9:45:00 PM
Male-order condoms with a very explosive climax.
Features: Package contains a special assortment of condoms filled with a mixture of Drano and Gasoline.
Benefits: Exotic blend of chemicals with explosive potential! Instant media attention! A way to get your day in court!
Current Customers: --Bridgewater State College admissions office (Sept 21): State Police Bomb Squad attends and finds the note “Boom” in the package. --Brockton postal annex (Sept 22): five packages scheduled for delivery to strip clubs Alex’s and The Foxy Lady, TV station WFXT, radio station WXKS-FM, and motorcycle club Outlaws.
Testimonials: Says Kimberly Lynn Dasilva, I “couldn’t take it anymore.” The 40-year old ex-strip club waitress and single mother allegedly vented years of frustration at abusive men by mailing the goodies to her former employers (Alex’s, The Foxy Lady) and several other select locations.
Where to Order: Boston, Massachusetts
Cost: $10,000 unsecured bond for Dasilva to be released before her hearing at the end of February.
Bibles and Babes on the same bill
New News: Conveniently persistent typo in print and online university applications directs potential candidates to a steamy sex line instead of World Education Services.
Institution: Seton Hall University, Catholic university in South Orange, NJ
Affiliates: --NY-based non-profit World Education Services, whose specialties include evaluating foreign academic credentials. --Racy, raunchy toll-free chat line with “hot, horny girls” whose phone number strongly resembles the former’s.
Instructions: Obtain online application from website or request print admissions application from Seton Hall.
Contacts: Seton Hall spokesman Thomas White
Notes: Affects overseas applicants only!
European drama with Swedish females and male Humboldts
Brokeback Mountain meets March of the Penguins
Cast of characters: a. Male Humboldt penguins of all sexual orientations b. Female Swedish penguins with a introverted disposition c. Queer militants, activists, and pride groups d. Zoo Chief Executive Heike Kueck, species preservation enthusiast
Setting: a. Bremerhaven Zoo, Germany: mostly males b. Kolmarden Zoo, Sweden: mostly females
Plot synopsis: Androgynous sexually ambivalent male penguins faced with shortages of female penguins risk extinction to maintain male-male duos and raise adopted pebbles just like real eggs. Despite annual partner-swaps during breeding season, many males ignore the new females and stick to the ‘homosexual’ unions. Rainbow-friendly pride groups championing freedom of choice battle it out with zoo family planners in this tensely dramatic European species conservation drama.
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