Bad Movie Night
Dean Cain started out wooing female audiences as the world's perfect comic book hero, Superman, on the hit ABC show, "Lois and Clark." And we straight men had naught to watch but Teri Hatcher, whose nude appearance in the movie "Heaven's Prisoners" gave us a glimpse of her disappointingly southward bound chest.
However, they've moved on to bigger and better things since. Hatcher shills for Radio Shack and Howie Long, and Cain; well, Cain has become the next Lorenzo Lamas. This week's movie, "Dragon Fighter," drove that into our skulls deeper than the drill in "Sorority House Massacre" could have.
First there was "Aliens," then there was "Jurassic Park," and now, for those fans not satisfied with either, there is "Dragon Fighter." This movie's script seems to be a dare to see how many lines and plot points can be lifted mainly from these two movies.
We were half-expecting a Jeff Goldblum icon to pop up in the corner of the screen to remind you where the lines in this movie came from. After a while, we started laying bets on what script would be ripped off next (two pence on suspended, stripped bodies a la "Predator").
Okay, seriously this movie is bad so do not watch it alone, we repeat, do not watch it alone. In fact, not watching sober may highly increase your chances of survival.
Cain is a security guard who escorts a doctor to Isla Sorna, we mean an underground facility called LV-426, we mean who cares. Anyway, they get there, and cloning is taking place. But unbeknownst to "Sups," the evil Russian doctor (here's where we thought we'd have an 80s movie again replete with senseless nudity, the best kind), wants to clone a dragon so he can justify his high school D&D glory days (watch out, he's still got Vorpal blade +9, or so we heard).
After plagiarizing the ethical debate of Jurassic Park, the movie's writers send Drago on a barbecue rampage, and flame-encrusted deaths ensue. After the dragon's eaten his fill, the survivors retreat and formulate a plan that lifts from all three "Alien" movies. But the plan goes up in electrical sparks when Doc Ivan sends some buckshot into an electrical panel, killing all the power.
They run, Drago chases, some get charred, some left behind, and others euthanize their movie careers. As they run in a helicopter, the Air Force sends up some Vipers to take Drago out. He puts up a good CG fight, but in the end, the irony of ironies, he's killed in a big fireball himself. Fin.
Here's the counts: Eight deaths, five shown, zero breasts, not even Drago teat (our rage is barely contained), an okay CG dragon, which would have been ten times better if the money that went into bleaching Cain's teeth went into making the dragon, and almost negligible action. Far too much talking, especially 'cause we'd heard it before, literally. Three nipple clamps. See it tonight.
Think you've seen a worse movie? Or have you seen one at the video store but you're too scared to watch it yourself? E-mail any and all comments/suggestions (that aren't called Manos: The Hands of Fate) to firstname.lastname@example.org.
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