Bad Movie Night
Not Your Garden Variety Blood Gnomes
By Socrates Crenshaw and Orlando W. Harris
Jun 4, 2004 - 7:24:00 PM

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Is there gnome decency anymore? Now, we know that we've complained that there aren't enough "ta-ta's" in these films and have often said we like more nudity and less plot. Well, we want to correct that statement. We LOVE more nudity and less plot, and this Wunderkind movie delivers better than the porn star pizza boy.

 

Okay, maybe there's still too much plot here. The villains are eponymous gnomes that look like gremlins or little baboons shaved bare. They walk around invisible a la "Predator" and rend and maim anything that stands a foot tall. And to make these little buggers fierce, but in no way gay, they have some hardcore face piercings. Who would have guessed that gnomes are into alternative lifestyles? We guess you really are born with it or not.

 

They're not the only ones however as every slut in the feature seems to be of the goth/S&M/BDSM persuasion, and this sat better in our bellies than a Christmas goose. These bimbos not only deliver performances that would shame their 80's predecessors in how awful they are, but they do it all while dropping everything that God gave them. Some don't even speak before they are nude and dismembered by little gnome paws.

 

The plot would be better served in an awful adventure game you can pick up at Best Buy for $10 in the clearance box. The protagonist is a crime scene photographer who loves his work. He looks like the type of guy who went to his high school prom and just sat in the rafters pleasuring himself to the view down the girls' dresses. He just got out of the psych ward because his girlfriend was killed in a murder/suicide, and he's still aching on the inside. We feel for him too, because she looked like one our favorite porn stars, but with a better boob job.

 

So, he is at work, snapping photos of a gruesome double murder; some S&M couple was sliced to bits while doing their best impressions of the Marquis himself. He starts snapping away and notices a tiny hand print under the bodies. This starts the hamster in the wheel rolling. The next sound we heard was the can this plot came in opening. 

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Photo Taken By Rachelle Sadler
  He finds gnomes, that he discovers he can only see with night vision on his camcorder, and starts to go crazy because no one believes him about little tiny murderous demon creatures from another dimension. Heathens. So, he decides to infiltrate the world of leather, chains, and PVC body suits to be able to better do his job, which is taking pictures. We don't get it. Here he meets his new girlfriend/mistress (who we had to rochambeau over for next rights). She's named Divinity; of course she is.

 

So, Div gives him a taste of the leather and steel, (what is this, a Judas Priest video?) but time is running out as the gnomes multiply and their birth mother gets antsier. Div's mistress (whose naturally dark hair secures her villainy) is throwing an all-night lash-a-thon out in the boondocks.


Here's the spin: she grows gnomes because they have a juicy drug inside them from which she makes her living. 

 

Anyway, Russ Meyer and Div crash the party and send everyone back to Valhalla and the villains are "gnomore." 

 

The breakdown: 18 human deaths, by any and all means, six gnome deaths, Seven pairs of breasts, including the immortal Julie Strain's, one head roll, one set of severed arms, a minor chop, one disgusting gnome birth scene and nudity in the opening credits. All that and still only three and a half nipple clamps. See it tonight.

 

Think you've seen a worse movie? Or have you seen one at the video store but you're too scared to watch it yourself? E-mail any and all comments/suggestions (that aren't called Manos: The Hands of Fate) to k_henryv@yahoo.com.



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