Bad Movie Night
But there's more to these lycanthropic tales than just hairy beast women, sadly, it's not much more as our latest endeavor proved.
The Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf; no we're not kidding, that's the real title. Even better is that it's also known as The Howling II: Stirba- Werewolf Bitch (believe it). They must have had a team of highly trained monkey writers working round the clock on this one.
It opens up innocently enough; a man's reporter sister has just been killed. All is expected until we find out that the tape of her final broadcast is missing, mysteriously. She's been shot to death, but at the funeral, it becomes evident that it's not that simple. Apparently, as we found out, the reporter turned into a werewolf on camera during her last news broadcast and was killed live on TV. We know of a couple of newscasters we wish that would happen to. Anyway, a reporter from the local channel is sent to get to the bottom of the missing tape story. We have our female lead.
The man who's lost his sister and the reporter, who by this time has made good with him, is approached by a lecherous-looking older man wearing a suit. No, it's not our beloved former Pres, Clinton, it's Saruman himself, Christopher Lee, British smile and all. Lee tells him that his dead sister is not dead, but in fact a werewolf. Since the silver bullets that killed her were removed during the autopsy, she will never rest in peace until she is killed again by another weapon made of titanium (they kinda tried to explain the difference between who can die with what metal, but failed utterly).
It could have gotten interesting at this point where the man would have had to hunt down his own sister to save the world, but we were still bored. Instead, we get the werewolf queen, Stirba. Where to find her? Not to worry, Lee knows, and he's going to tell Mr. and Mrs. Lead Role. He tells them that they are going to track down this "black mama-jama" she-wolf who gets her kicks cutting up new wave "punkers" in abandoned factories.
They catch a fuzzball outside Ben's sister's tomb and question him about Stirba's whereabouts. Before getting offed, he whispers "the dark country."
At this point, we're going "African werewolves? Wouldn't they be were-hyenas? Or would that be were-ynas?"
But any rate they go to some little burgh and try and avoid every cousin of Peja, Vlade Dade and the rest of the Sacramento Kings who seems to moonlight as a lycanthrope.
They're assisted by a priest, a dwarf and a Jew who walk into a bar; I mean a priest, a dwarf and two chonces who lost loved ones to the werewolves.
Ben and Jenny start a New Age ice cream company in Vermont, I mean make sweet love in the bathroom, whilst Stephan smokes his pipe to even out the yellow on his teeth.
Meanwhile we see a bunch of people in skimpy leather chanting and burning bon-fires. This hag walks up to a woman lying on her back. Green light pours out of her mouth and the woman's face breaks down, leaving a gory skull.
Meanwhile, the hag has become the busty, red-headed Stirba. Somewhere during the movie, Stirba transforms into her true hirsute state and has a threesome with two other werewolves...ah, the epiphany.
This script was written solely for this scene, no doubt. However, while this entire movie may be erased from the annals of good taste, the image of sexy Sybil Danning turning into a hairy beast-woman will never be erased from our tender, young memories.
My heart goes out to Christopher Lee. They could have cast mannequins and used still motion photography and the movie would've been better (and probably would have won the panel at Cannes for its visionary techniques). Instead, he has to work with a flat out awful cast. Annie McEnroe, the lead culprit, doesn't even have the integrity to get full on buck naked to compensate for her wooden delivery.
Let's get to the good stuff. Four pairs of breasts. Great transformations. Hokey magic effects. Some good hack and slash combat. Guns blazing constantly. Best death is a tie between the dwarf, whose eyes explode into rivers of blood when Stirba howls and the priest who gets force-fed a baby dragon from Stirba's staff.
To top it off, though, a cut of Stirba baring all repeated a good several dozen times during the credits, which helped the movie end with a bang, and earn a howling two and half nipple clamps. See it tonight.
Think you've seen a better, or more horrifyingly bad movie? Drop us a line and let us know at Rama@canyonnewspaper.com. We accept all challenges.
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