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Down a Few for Delta Delta Die
Posted by Socrates Crenshaw and Orlando W. Harris on Oct 1, 2003 - 9:04:00 AM
Before we proceed, a moment of silence for the Man in Black and Jack Tripper (cue "Taps" on trumpet or "Amazing Grace" on the bagpipes), a definite odd couple to share a date. Any nubile ladies interested in a Three's Company marathon set to Cash's catalogue, send any candid photographs to our email address at the bottom.
Alright people, it's been six months and not a damn peep from any of you. No suggestions, no death threats, no dirty jokes, no sympathy, nothing. Start sending some emails; we need to know we're not losing our sanity for nothing.
Now, we know we joke about how we lost 50, 60, even 80 minutes of our lives watching some 'drek', but really, we lost 100 minutes of our lives to this piece of 'drek'. In fact, this and Little Witches may be enough to swear off these nouveau T&A movies for good.
It has gotten so bad we might have to write a book, go on a lecture circuit, maybe even make a training film- just like the WWII VD Army films or the 1950's "duck and cover" ones. People used to understand how to make these things. You have no budget, so pay for the "t and a". If she can remember her lines, it's a bonus. Better yet, don't write lines, just have her ad lib it.
If your inner liberal betrays you and you start thinking, "What about the ladies? What do they get to look at?" just show more "t and a". You'll get even more repeat business at the video store and Skinemax. We're better now, to the movie...
The premise is simple: some sorority sluts channel their inner Dahmer and lure college meat-heads to their deaths. Why? Why, to have a cannibalistic "meat" pie bake sale for the "sisterhood", of course.
The movie starts out with a couple of crazy kids getting it on. She starts going downtown but she needs coaching in the "no teeth" department because she bites it clean off. We find out later that she gobbled it up, becoming the first woman in cinematic history to swallow when she shouldn't.
She then gets punished for eating the penis because, as the sisters say, "penis is full of germs and sperms." Oh, believe me, I wish I was kidding!
Photo Taken By Rachelle Sadler
As her punishment, she gets locked in the basement, where she goes from Lorena Bobbitt to Brynne Hartman, complete with heavy breathing and unkempt hair.
Anywho, the 20th anniversary of Delta Delta Pi (get it?) is coming up. They're expecting sisters of old to arrive and they've run all out of foodstuffs. The housemother (Julie Strain) taps a pair to arrange for the banquet. They find a pair who'll do- male and drunk. They play strip poker with one of the two sisters, lose and go down into the dungeon.
The housemother takes over, sending the gleeful man-eaters to bed.
In the attempt to have a plot, we have a meddling kid in the role of dean's assistant. From scene one, he smells something fishy (stay with us) coming out of the sorority and it's not the girls. For no reason he's just suspicious. To make a long story short ("Too late!"), he tracks down a charter sister who helped sell the very first DDP meat pie.
Apparently she's changed her evil ways ("Hi, I'm Rhonda and I like to vivisect people. Hi, Rhonda,") and wants to bring the house mother and the entire sorority down (focus). She returns, and with a vengeance. Using her 36-Chambers-of-Rhonda Pounce (an exaggerated slow-mo jump and right cross) she subdues the sisters, tying them up in the basement.
A pitiful battle ensues between Rhonda and the housemother. Who won? No, really, who won? If you ever watch this flick, please e-mail, because we were on our fifth whiskey and coke (highly recommended if you wish to finish the movie) and can't recall.
Photo Taken By Rachelle Sadler
The facts: Eight breasts, with Julie earning her pay if you know what we mean. Of course the hottest sister doesn't reveal it all (typical), but she was in a see-through nightie. In all there were eight deaths- all pretty mundane. The funniest scene has the hot brunette gushing over how delectable pan-fried penis is (so forbidden, so good).
Five out of five nipple clamps. See it tonight.
Think you've seen something worse? Or seen something at the video store that you don't have the guts to rent? Send in any requests that aren't "Manos, Hands of Fate," to Rama@canyonnewspaper.com and we'll brave the rapids.
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Laurel Canyon, Los Feliz, Malibu, Pacific Palisades, Melrose,
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