Bad Movie Night
We found out the hard way. Watching two of these features (they don't qualify as actual movies) of this caliber within 24 hours should come with a Surgeon General's warning. Altered states of mind would probably reduce the harm done to you (and maybe make the movie terrifying). At the very least, it'll help get through all the concerts.
The central characters are in an R&B/hip-hop/urban/something called K. T. Bounce. They're awful even for MTV's The Grind. And they're the best of the three acts that perform to stretch the run time to feature length.
The scary thing though is that this movie could have actually been decent.
The doll is genuinely creepy looking, but it makes this high pitched drone somewhere between a lawnmower and a cat in heat and loses any terror.
We open in New Orleans, 1941, at a two-story house. A man takes his daughter upstairs while his wife screams at a floating wedding dress before it kills her. The father brings her downstairs to see the consequences of dealing with "killing magic." Cut to the same house in 1999.
We're introduced to Kwame, the K of K. T. Bounce. He trades barbs with his grandma, Gran, (inventive!) over his red shirt. The band shows up. The next thing we see is the "band" performing some awful song that will scar our brains forever.
After the show, they are approached by two men who are the brothers of a known gangster, Big Per, or something like that- who cares. They are told that they should come talk to Big Perpah the "plot" now develops.
Big Whatever tells them that they should sign on with him as their manager. Of course, signing with a gangster doesn't sit well with our pious heroes, and they are visibly distraught (that must have taken a few takes with these actors).
The next night at the club, Kwame tells Big Pear, or Pair, that he can take his offer and shove it. This leads to the beating of his Gran. Enraged by this, Kwame summons the magic of the Shadow Man and tells him he wants Big
Whatever and his brothers killed. So, the Shadow Man puts the magic into the ragdoll, and it runs off to do its work. Kwame looks distraught- again.
Anyway, the ragdoll kills and kills, then kills some more. But the hook of all this malarkey is that every time it kills one of Big Pere and his brothers, it also kills one member of K.T. Bounce, for you see, Kwame told the Shadow Man that he could have whatever he wanted in exchange for killing- oh genius of genius. There is one stipulation however; if anything happens to Gran, the deal is off.
Enough about the story, however, it really isn't interesting enough to continue. The only redeeming things about this movie are the performances of Tarnell Poindexter and Bill Davis, the actors who play Little Mikey, and Big Pere, respectively. Particularly Poindexter, as he is truly funny and believable. He is a mix between West Hollywood and Compton, or Little Richard and Tupac (we're not kidding).
Davis is equally convincing as a hard-ass, but not nearly as interesting as a character. Still, he's worth mentioning since not much more about this "feature" is.
Some other juicy tidbits on the DVD are the music video of a song in the movie by a group called "Vous Doux." The song isn't any good, and neither are the two girls who comprise the group. One of them, however, could have a lot of talent on mute if you know what I mean- and I think you do.
The "making of" documentary is also on there. Oh, God! It starts out with Mel Johnson Jr's gleaming white smile (he's the guy responsible for starting the company that made the film). Did this doc really have to be made? Did the movie really have to be made? Was either of the two worth the time it took to make?
We give this masterpiece a teeth-gritting four out of five nipple clamps. The only thing keeping this from being a full-blown F5 are the performances of the aforementioned actors; they kept us from going insane. So, stay away from this one, kids, unless you really like it rough.
Think you've seen something worse? Or seen something at the video store that you don't have the guts to rent? Send in any request that aren't Manos, Hands of Fate, to Rama@canyonnewspaper.com and we'll brave the rapids.
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