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Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman
Posted by Socrates Crenshaw and Orlando W. Harris on Feb 20, 2004 - 8:40:00 AM
This movie haunted us so much we had to stay up bowling 'til 5 in the morning, stone cold sober. The lows in this film are so low they become inverse, negative highs.
Exhibit A, it was shot on video tape. Exhibit B, it is called the "Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman." Exhibit C, the snowman was a giant fluffy snowsuit (We're sure he would have been a hit at one of those "Furries" parties), a la a high school film project meets Godzilla, except 'zilla is cool. Exhibit D, the money on the movie went to the two CG shots of Jack in "action," disappearing into the snow, and the hologram cover on the tape.
But hey, there isn't any nudity! Woo-hoo? Our morals are intact? Because C-movies actresses can't drop their trousers when a psychopathic Frosty is lurking out there in the warm waters of the Caribbean? What kind of a world do we live in? I'm telling you, we never truly got rid of the Commies. Even now they are tightening their grip on the White House, under the guise of PC movie "censors." Those sand-baggers!
As you no doubt remember (because of course you've all seen the first movie), Jack had an unfortunate run in with a truck bed full of antifreeze. Oh yeah, antifreeze. He was buried under an unmarked grave, but those meddlesome beaker jockeys at the Federal Government unearth him and put him into a giant fish tank. The janitor spills something into the tank and Jack is reborn. How? Who cares? This movie would really suck if Jack never showed up.
Now it turns out that Sam (our hero from the first movie, for those blighted beings who scoff at cinema of this caliber), and Jackie share a "link." No, not like Frodo and the Ring; this is much scarier. Not because there is anything inherently terrifying, but somebody actually thought that was a good idea, and somebody else agreed! That's it, the search for intelligent life begins here on Earth.
Kudos go out to the DP or the director or whoever decided that we needed the ice cube's POV shots when a model needed perkier "nipplage" for her "snow bunny on a tropical island" photo shoot. If they only had the cajoles to actually show a nipple, this would have been a landmark event in American cinema and surely would have been guaranteed annual screenings at UCLA and USC.
Photo Taken By Rachelle Sadler
What this movie lacks in plot, writing, direction, budget, effects, cast, acting, and freed breasts, it makes up for with unmitigated death for everyone. Best death is a unanimous vote for when Jack turns himself into a frozen anvil to kill a damsel in distress; you see it once, you'll see it forever. Extras just show up and die without even uttering a scream - the way it should be if they aren't getting naked.
This movie avoided five nipple clamps for the simple inclusion of the ice-cam and the anvil and settled for three nipple clamps. See it tonight.
Think you've seen something worse? Or seen something at the video store that you don't have the guts to rent? Send in any request that isn't "Manos, Hands of Fate," to firstname.lastname@example.org and we'll brave the rapids.
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