Feng Fooey

There are diverse schools of feng shui from which to choose. In one ancient tradition, with roots reaching far back to the Pong dynasty, furniture arrangements are divined depending on the direction in which rice grains from messy eaters fall to the floor. Ours, the venerable no-homework on-line school, divides each room into four major quadrants:

                       Wealth               N              Romance

                                                                                                                                                       W                                            E

                       Knowledge         S               Clutter

The advantage of this system is that you can take all your junk, shove it into one corner, and drape a blanket over it. Another facet of the On-Line feng shui school is the correspondence between human organs and features of the home.

Follow these tips faithfully and pretty soon chi will be floating through your life—truckloads of it:

—Do not buy a loveseat from a recently divorced couple. In Hollywood this translates to: do not buy a used loveseat.

—Avoid yard sales as you may not have room to store a new yard.

—To attract prosperity, at the entrance to your home install a metal detector. Next time you host a barbecue, have guests evacuate the contents of their wallets into plastic tubs and despoil their cash and credit cards.

—If you want to be taken seriously, be careful in the use of colors and fabrics. Use leopard skin sparingly, especially in the kitchen (heart and hearth). Avoid agent orange unless you are seeking a new agent; then you may spritz a little between your left ear. Also, make sure that the materials and colors complement each other, like harvest gold and amber. They’ll say, “My you look sunny and bright today, Amber.”  And Amber will reply, “Goldie, you’re not looking so hot. Rough night on Club Corridor, huh?”

—Do not mix teflon and velcro, they propitiate alternately sticky and slippery situations with in-laws and business partners.

—If your headboard points toward the bathroom door (lower intestine) and there’s no solid wall (to cushion the delicate head chakra) you are out of luck. Take advantage of the downturn in the housing market and find a new house. In the meantime: try turning the bed vertically and strap yourself to the mattress during slumber hours.

—If you are trying to attract romance, avoiding leaving barf on the doorstep and hide all the photographs in which your ex has been beheaded by scissors.

—It is bad luck to sleep under an anvil.

—Paint your front door. Paint it and when I know what color it is, I’ll be sure to freak you out that it’s the wrong color for prosperity and happiness, and you’ll wreak on kinds of bad juju onto your chez.

—To feel more vibrant, full of youthful vigor and wrinkle free, feng shui can work wonders. First, remove all the mirrors from the house. Second, gather all your old headshots, set them upon an alter, against a solid wall (to protect the delicate head chakra) and apply a lit match. Now you may go around all day with toothpaste drool around the corners of the mouth. Snickers and funny looks will be elicited from people, but you will feel years younger on that next audition.

—Do use a wooden box to store your agent, allowing him or her room to “breathe.”

—Herald in that new Adonis or Aphrodite body by using smaller plates and utensils. For example, tiny plates from a child’s tea set, made in China and clearly marked “for decorative use only.” Next time you are tempted to binge on Rite Aid ice cream, get one of the tiny sample spoons first, and save it for when your quart arrives.

—Be careful about the arrangement of printed material. Pornography (gallbladder) should always go where the children can’t easily find it. Books (appendix) should be in closed cabinets, and under no circumstances should you place books by Truman Capote next to Gore Vidal’s. It may create a catastrophic offshore vitriol spill. Alphabetical order is your best bet…